I write this letter with a heavy heart because you have taken two people away from me, two people that had a lot left to give the world. You have destroyed families, friendships and relationships in general. The fact that people fear this subject shows that it's misunderstood and needs more awareness. Suicide is a tragedy. There isn't a word in the English language that can truly express the pain and sorrow that comes along with suicide.
I have been affected by you twice in my life and I am only 22 years old. I still feel the sting of pain as much today as the day I found out. The first friend I lost was when I was a junior in high school. Two days before the first day of school I received the news that one of my best friends from middle school had killed herself. I was walking into the garage to grab a Sprite while my dad was cooking me lunch before I had to work. I remember walking back into the house after my friend had broke the news and not crying or appearing sad, but I was confused and angry even. How could one of the happiest people I know take their own life? How could she feel so alone that she couldn't stand another day? Why wasn't I there to help? Why wasn't anyone there to help? All of the questions flooded my brain and continue to do so even today.
After the memorial services I vowed to be kinder to everyone I came into contact with. I smile and give compliments to strangers on a daily basis because you never know what that person is going through. You never know what a compliment can do for someone's day. It never hurts to be kind.
It will be six years in September since my friend took her own life, and every year on that day I relive the moment when I found out. I cry the same tears and feel the same emotions I felt that day. Even after six years it still hurts and I still don't understand.
The summer of 2015 my world was rocked harder than ever before because yet again you came into my life and stole a huge piece of my heart. August 7, 2015. A day my heart has never felt so broken. My best friend, one of the first friends I had when I moved, took his own life. He had such a wondrous soul and his soul is still very much alive today. He's always around and reminds us all that he's okay.
In a couple months it will be a year since you took him away, and I can still remember the day I received the news. I was walking out of work and I received a phone call that changed my life. I never wanted to know a world without him. His existence alone was enough to make you feel more at peace. I called him my personal fortune cookie because he talked me through the worst times and never let me down. I only wish I could have been there to talk you through your worst times.
Suicide has changed the way I answer the question, "how are you?" My response requires a little bit of analysis because the term 'good' and 'okay' have a completely different meaning now. I'm living without two pieces of my heart, but I'm doing okay. I'm adjusting to a new way of living and one day I will be okay.
The most distributing part of these experiences has been the way people perceive the topic of suicide. Suicide is not a crime nor does it make the person a criminal. These people are not selfish. In the moment they truly feel this world would be better without them. This is a topic that needs to be openly discussed. People need to be educated on the symptoms of depression and other mental illnesses. Students need to be aware of suicide and signs of suicidal behavior. If people are educated then suicides may be prevented.
When my friend took her life in high school we were not allowed to put a memorial in the student newspaper because it advertised the idea of suicide. At my high school graduation they placed an empty chair in the place of another student who had died in a car accident that same summer. There was no memorial chair placed for my friend because it was a suicide. Suicide is a horrible thing and it's not a topic that should be shamed or swept under the rug.
If you or a friend are suffering from depression or other please seek help. There are several ways you can get help. You can call the National Suicide Hotline at 1 (800) 273-8255 or text "Go" to 741-741 to speak with a trainer crisis counselor provided by Crisis Text Line. Always remember you are loved and you are worth much more than your greatest struggle.
