My Inner Thoughts
Start writing a post
Health and Wellness

My Inner Thoughts

The Me Inside of Me

233
My Inner Thoughts
Music Support

I wake up, take a shower, and get ready for my day. This is when I start to worry. I worry what I should wear today. Something nice that will make me look attractive to anyone who sees me today. Ten minutes of my day and the anxiety in me is kicking in. I get to work and start doing my tasks. The phone rings and I answer it and then I start to worry if what I’m saying is correct. I’ve said it numerous times, but I still feel like I will say something wrong and get yelled at. I start to stumble with my words and knowing the feeling of getting yelled at kills me inside. Sometimes I get yelled at and sometimes I don’t. When I get a document and I’m not sure where it might go, I get scared to ask to avoid the fear of getting yelled at, so I have to take extra steps just to make sure I was right and I was. I keep second guessing myself, but I just don’t feel comfortable with my actions. I go to my next job and just casually sit waiting to do something. There are three of us and there are two computers that we casually do work. One worker is just reading a book and I could be doing some homework, but yet I spend ten minutes scrolling for nothing trying to work the courage to ask if I can use the computer…usually I just wait till they leave their shift of go on lunch. I just don’t want to bother them. I go to the gym and I do my same routine every day since that is all I know and if I try something new, I might not do it right and I don’t want to get embarrassed. When I run my mile and about to do weights, but see someone else there, I slow down just to ensure that when I do weights I don’t have to be around them thinking I might be doing the exercise wrong.

Anytime I’m out in public with people or just by myself, I’m in a constant panic and I’m always covering every move to ensure nothing goes wrong. I try to act like nothing is wrong, but actually there is 500 million thoughts going in my head. The only time I don’t feel like this is when I’m home, alone. I don’t have the constant fear of being judged in my own home. I can do whatever I want and not have anyone care about it. It is peaceful, but yet sad. I hear people say don’t worry about the others, but I can’t just change in a matter of sentence. If I could I would love to do, but no I can’t. The confidence that I show is only when I’m around others, but yet I still worry what I do. The only time I don’t is when I act like a fool and I’m just going on a downward slope of crap. Even on social media, I always make sure I’m precise with what I say. Is this punctuated correctly, am I using the write words to sound smart, will the people I like judge me wrong for the words I say.

All of this is build up inside of me and I just snap and just go on a downward slope. I feel alone, unwanted, and abandoned. I feel like people give up on me because I can’t change. I want to, but I can’t. Every night I slowly feel my happiness go away. All the dream and goals I want in life just stay dreams and goals. The constant fear of judgement kills any sense of me being my own. Even when I’m around my friends I always have to watch what I do to ensure that I don’t upset them. I have no clue who the real me is. Maybe it has come and gone, I just don’t know. The only time I will know is when I don’t have to worry about anything, but sadly I can’t do that.

I wish people could understand how I’m feeling. Where every single day I do my best to make people happy and just wanted to be surrounded by amazing people. I want a life that is exciting and filled with wonderful memories with each journey I take…yet I haven’t reached that and I’m scare. Every time I feel sad and want to talk to people, I just feel ungrateful. I should be happy where I am, but yet I’m not.

When I see people who don’t give a care about what others think and do what they want to do, those are the brave ones and I envy them. Doing what they want and not caring is what I dream about. I want to talk about the things I love, say how I really feel, do the things I really want without no care about what others think, but myself. I see people happy and I’m not. I hate that, but I’m glad they are at least happy. When people are happy, I get happy too. Everyone deserves to be happy.

Every day is a constant battle with my emotions. Some days I win, some days I draw, and some days I lose. Those are the days I hate the most. I don’t know what I can do with my anxiety and paranoia…hell I don’t even know I have it and I’m just freaking out. I just wish I can be me and not worry about getting yelled at for it. I don’t want to get yelled at for being sad, I know people care, but I just don’t like it. Maybe I’m just not seeing the real picture of the world where people just don’t care about it. Maybe it is just a dog eat dog world. I want my world to be where everyone is happy, but as usual I can’t get what I want. I want this all to go away and I can feel happy. I’m tired of using my dark humor as a gateway drug to get by every day. I’m tired of secretly crying for help and when I do get it I don’t want it. I’m just tired of being in the state I am in. I want change because change is good, it is for the better. I don’t know what to do and I don’t think people know either. I make things really complicated. I just don’t know. One day I will be happy. I hope…

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
beer on the beach

Summer is hot and humid, and it's almost like summer was made specifically to drink the refreshing, cold, crisp wonderful, delicious, nutritious nectar of the gods. Which is none other than beer; wonderful cold beer. With summer playing peek-a-boo around the corner while we finish up this semester, it's time to discuss the only important part of summer. And if you haven't already guessed, it's beer. There are few things I take more seriously than my beer, in order are: sports... and beer. Here are my favorite summer brews:

Keep Reading...Show less
Featured

7 Reasons SoCal Rocks!

75 degrees and sunny, plus, no humidity. I mean do I really need to say more?

1422
woman in black and white long sleeve shirt carrying girl in red jacket in Venice beach
Photo by Jeff Hopper on Unsplash

SoCal summers are the best summers by far, and honestly, no argument is needed. But, if you aren't sure why SoCal summers are the best, here are 7 reasons why!

Keep Reading...Show less
Entertainment

25 Lyrics for Selfie Captions

Because let's be honest, we all use lyrics.

53748
woman takes a selfie for social media
Pixabay

Sometimes you can't think of the perfect caption for your Instagram post. I love using lyrics as my captions because there's so many great lines in songs that just seem to fit in the moment. Here are some lyrics that could work for your selfie or pictures of you with your friends!

Keep Reading...Show less
Entertainment

Bruce Springsteen's Top 7 Lyrics

Everything Bruce says in his classic rock songs.

20207
bruce springsteen album cover born in the usa

Anyone who was born and raised in New Jersey (or anywhere really) knows of Bruce Springsteen, whether or not they like him is a whole other situation. I hope that his hundreds of classic rock songs and famous high energy performances, even in his sixties he can put on better concerts than people half his age, are at least recognizable to people of all ages. Love him or hate him (I identify with the former) you have to admit that some of his songs and interviews have inspirational quotes and lyrics.

Keep Reading...Show less
Lifestyle

New England Summers Are The BEST Summers

Why you should spend your next summer in New England.

5031
Marconi Beach

Three years ago, I chose to attend college in Philadelphia, approximately 360 miles away from my small town in New Hampshire. I have learned many valuable lessons away from home, and have thoroughly enjoyed my time spent in Pennsylvania. One thing that my experience has taught me, however, is that it is absolutely impossible to beat a New England summer.

You cannot beat the beach. Believe it or not (which many people may not), New England has a long and beautiful coastline. Most of my high school summers were spent sitting on the Wall at Hampton Beach, getting sunburnt and eating Acai bowls from The Secret Spot. The Wall was the place to be both during the day and at night. We begin our days there with a KB's bagel and coffee, and end them with pizza and ice cream. It’s not a New England summer without that 4 p.m. text from someone, “Who wants to meet at the Wall tonight?” Nighttime is for Tripoli’s Pizza, the sound of waves, and wishes on shooting stars. Wednesday nights are especially important, as those are the nights that Hampton Beach sets off the weekly firework display.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments