I wake up, take a shower, and get ready for my day. This is when I start to worry. I worry what I should wear today. Something nice that will make me look attractive to anyone who sees me today. Ten minutes of my day and the anxiety in me is kicking in. I get to work and start doing my tasks. The phone rings and I answer it and then I start to worry if what I’m saying is correct. I’ve said it numerous times, but I still feel like I will say something wrong and get yelled at. I start to stumble with my words and knowing the feeling of getting yelled at kills me inside. Sometimes I get yelled at and sometimes I don’t. When I get a document and I’m not sure where it might go, I get scared to ask to avoid the fear of getting yelled at, so I have to take extra steps just to make sure I was right and I was. I keep second guessing myself, but I just don’t feel comfortable with my actions. I go to my next job and just casually sit waiting to do something. There are three of us and there are two computers that we casually do work. One worker is just reading a book and I could be doing some homework, but yet I spend ten minutes scrolling for nothing trying to work the courage to ask if I can use the computer…usually I just wait till they leave their shift of go on lunch. I just don’t want to bother them. I go to the gym and I do my same routine every day since that is all I know and if I try something new, I might not do it right and I don’t want to get embarrassed. When I run my mile and about to do weights, but see someone else there, I slow down just to ensure that when I do weights I don’t have to be around them thinking I might be doing the exercise wrong.
Anytime I’m out in public with people or just by myself, I’m in a constant panic and I’m always covering every move to ensure nothing goes wrong. I try to act like nothing is wrong, but actually there is 500 million thoughts going in my head. The only time I don’t feel like this is when I’m home, alone. I don’t have the constant fear of being judged in my own home. I can do whatever I want and not have anyone care about it. It is peaceful, but yet sad. I hear people say don’t worry about the others, but I can’t just change in a matter of sentence. If I could I would love to do, but no I can’t. The confidence that I show is only when I’m around others, but yet I still worry what I do. The only time I don’t is when I act like a fool and I’m just going on a downward slope of crap. Even on social media, I always make sure I’m precise with what I say. Is this punctuated correctly, am I using the write words to sound smart, will the people I like judge me wrong for the words I say.
All of this is build up inside of me and I just snap and just go on a downward slope. I feel alone, unwanted, and abandoned. I feel like people give up on me because I can’t change. I want to, but I can’t. Every night I slowly feel my happiness go away. All the dream and goals I want in life just stay dreams and goals. The constant fear of judgement kills any sense of me being my own. Even when I’m around my friends I always have to watch what I do to ensure that I don’t upset them. I have no clue who the real me is. Maybe it has come and gone, I just don’t know. The only time I will know is when I don’t have to worry about anything, but sadly I can’t do that.
I wish people could understand how I’m feeling. Where every single day I do my best to make people happy and just wanted to be surrounded by amazing people. I want a life that is exciting and filled with wonderful memories with each journey I take…yet I haven’t reached that and I’m scare. Every time I feel sad and want to talk to people, I just feel ungrateful. I should be happy where I am, but yet I’m not.
When I see people who don’t give a care about what others think and do what they want to do, those are the brave ones and I envy them. Doing what they want and not caring is what I dream about. I want to talk about the things I love, say how I really feel, do the things I really want without no care about what others think, but myself. I see people happy and I’m not. I hate that, but I’m glad they are at least happy. When people are happy, I get happy too. Everyone deserves to be happy.
Every day is a constant battle with my emotions. Some days I win, some days I draw, and some days I lose. Those are the days I hate the most. I don’t know what I can do with my anxiety and paranoia…hell I don’t even know I have it and I’m just freaking out. I just wish I can be me and not worry about getting yelled at for it. I don’t want to get yelled at for being sad, I know people care, but I just don’t like it. Maybe I’m just not seeing the real picture of the world where people just don’t care about it. Maybe it is just a dog eat dog world. I want my world to be where everyone is happy, but as usual I can’t get what I want. I want this all to go away and I can feel happy. I’m tired of using my dark humor as a gateway drug to get by every day. I’m tired of secretly crying for help and when I do get it I don’t want it. I’m just tired of being in the state I am in. I want change because change is good, it is for the better. I don’t know what to do and I don’t think people know either. I make things really complicated. I just don’t know. One day I will be happy. I hope…