When I was younger, my siblings always called me the "social butterfly." I always seemed to like to talk to others, make sure they were having a good day. I loved making new friends. But suddenly, when I reached about 10-years-old, that changed.
Middle school is tough, in general. People can be very mean, often times to the point where you would cry. (I remember in sixth grade, I tried to talk to a boy and he called me ugly. It was at a dance, and I still remember how terrible that felt.) Eventually, you grow up and people change. But I changed very differently, I became very closed off.
People tell me that I'm outgoing, loud and I like to laugh. But what people don't know is that during my junior year of college, I was told that I have Social Anxiety Disorder. It is a real disorder, and it is difficult. You don't know when something is going to trigger your anxiety, and often times you try to avoid situations that could. (That's even as simple as walking to class.) The hard part is sometimes people see that as a person being stuck-up. Sometimes people think that person has a mindset that they're above someone else. Actually, that's not the case at all.
People sometimes ask me what's wrong, or they get offended when I don't say hi to them as I walk by. But what they don't know is that social situations are very difficult for me to maneuver. Sometimes, when I walk by you I'm simply just completely oblivious because I'm just not paying attention, but other times I know you're there. I just can not form the courage to speak. Even a simple "hi" can cause my anxiety to increase. There's no rhyme or reason, my body just goes into that mode.
When that happens, my heart races, my mouth becomes very dry. There are times where I will shake, and sometimes there are times where I simply just stand there. During all these times though, I stay completely silent. My phone becomes my best friend, usually because I don't have to acknowledge the people surrounding me.
Talking in class, reading out loud, making a phone call, doing any type of presentation, even raising my hand to ask the professor something all are extremely big triggers for anxiety. My hands get clammy, my breathing becomes difficult. I then worry if people around me notice, to me they do. There are times where I have to stand up and leave the space for a few minutes. All of these I've found are OK.
There was a point where I knew I needed help — and I got it. I have tools to help me manage my anxiety, to help get through my day. And I've come a very long way from where I first was. I still struggle, there are always days that are much harder than others. But through all of it, I'm still breathing. I'm still fighting through it, and I'm winning.
