Today I said goodbye to my friends as we started our journeys to our destinations for spring break. Tears formed in my eyes as I hugged the ones closest to me goodbye, and I started to break out in tears when I walked back to my dorm unwillingly. I did not want to go. Having to leave has never gotten easier for me. As someone who claimed they like solitude and alone time, it ends up that I'm actually quite terrible at being alone.
When I have to go home, I instantly get emotional. I recently moved away from where I grew up, and I am a nice traveling distance away from any of my friends. I live in a town with a few restaurants, a grocery store, and pretty much nothing else. When I'm here, I'm trapped. I have always had to rely on other people to keep me distracted from my life at home. It's always been tough for me to be at home, but I always knew I could go to a friend's house or they could come to mine. Now I don't really have that option, and it sucks.
Being apart from people has never been easy for me. I always feel like we're going to lose what we have. When my best friend left for 12 days, I was incredibly depressed. It wound up being okay, but it certainly didn't feel like it would be when he was gone. Now he's in Germany for a year, and luckily I have school and other friends to keep me from thinking about how he's not here all of the time. Otherwise, I would be miserable.
Separation has never been a strong suit of mine. I like being able to see the person, and have the capability to accidentally slap them or hug them. It's incredibly hard for me to have to leave them, even if it's for just a week. This is the main reason why I'm terrified to form relationships. I'm so afraid of losing them, and losing what we have. It's happened to me before, so who's to say it won't happen again?
I know this is an incredibly pessimistic way to look at things, but it's like my brain won't let me think otherwise. It refuses to believe things will be ok. It refuses to believe people won't change their minds when they're not with me. It's constantly in insecurity mode, and it causes everything to spiral downhill, and it spirals fast.
It sucks that I can't keep myself company to distract myself. I am in constant desperation to have someone talk to me. Everyone should be capable of independence, but when the anxiety of separation comes into play, you become weak and you let it take over. That's when you know you need to do something to change.
That's how I knew I needed to change. Not for others, but for myself. Having separation anxiety is not enjoyable. I don't do it for the attention. I hate that I'm miserable. I hate that it's the same thing every single time. I hate that I can't control it, but I want to change that. It's all a mind game, and you just have to figure out how to play it.
