I am so sorry. I'm sorry for how I am. I'm sorry I isolate myself and I'm sorry for the way I make you worry. I'm sorry for the way I drive you up the wall and I deeply apologize for how terrified I make everyone whenever I go missing. I'm sorry I stress you out to no end and I'm sorry that I'm a little messed up inside and out. I'm sorry that the voices in my head are sometimes louder than my own. I'm sorry that sometimes the sounds in my head aren't even voices. I'm sorry for flinching when I hear a loud noise. I'm sorry for everything I do that makes you feel uncomfortable.
I'm sorry for how difficult it can be for me to get out of bed. I'm sorry for the way I slur my words during a panic attack. I'm sorry for how poor my eating habits can be. I'm sorry for how hard it can be for me to get a good night's sleep. I'm sorry for the way I seem to ignore people. I'm sorry for the way I shut down. I'm sorry for the way I walk slowly and speak quietly. I'm sorry for falling back into the darkness as often as I do. I'm sorry for how difficult it can be to love me. I'm sorry that I have difficulty loving myself at times. I'm sorry for how ungrateful I can be and I'm sorry that people willingly put themselves through it.
I'm sorry for how distracted I get. I'm sorry for how often I tend to zone out. I'm sorry that I can be forgetful and I'm sorry that if my head weren't attached to my neck I'd probably lose it. I'm sorry that I cry as often as I do and I'm sorry that I can sometimes get really angry for no reason. I'm sorry my communication isn't as good as I wish it were. I'm sorry that I sometimes don't want to deal with life. I'm sorry that I'm having so much difficulty working with the hand I've been dealt because I've never been very good at cards but with how much my friends and family mean to me I would love to learn how to play the greatest game of poker the world has ever seen.
I never meant for it to get as bad as it did, but then again no one can plan for that, right? No one can control the tides of the ocean so why should I feel bad that I can't control the waves of my mental illness? The answer to that is: I don't know. I just find myself apologizing for any and everything. The people in my life that are actively moving mountains to try to help me are burdened with the task of going almost out of their way to help.
And for that I am sorry. I'm working as hard as I ever possibly could to make it right. No one wants to feel like a massive detriment to the people around them and for the longest time that's what I feel as if I have been. The problem is that I don't think I will ever genuinely be able to make everything right again, but that won't stop me from trying.
I feel like I am constantly breaking heart after heart with each and every mess up. It doesn't matter how many times I tell everyone I'm sorry because I almost feel as if there is, and never will be, any improvement. My mind thinks far too much. It's in a constant state of motion for the most part so when people ask what's going on in my head I never have a response. There's either too much to go through or suddenly my mind stops dead. It's frustrating to everyone.
Yet I still receive an infinite amount of support. Despite not contacting people to tell them that I'm doing alright. Despite not telling them the truth numerous times where I force a smile with a "Yeah I'm doing great!" when deep down I can feel my stomach turning and my heart falling apart piece by piece. I feel so undeserving of these friendships - of this overwhelming support. I'm sorry that I don't contact people enough, my anxiety really messes with me. I want to contact people but the fear of someone not responding or ignoring me completely just shakes me up inside all the wrong ways. I know that saying my anxiety is at fault is no excuse. I'm 24 years old, I should be able to handle a little anxiety.
But there are moments where I just can't. I'm sorry for that too. I'm sorry for being sorry. Eventually saying "sorry" too much mitigates the effectiveness of the word and the only way to truly show how sorry I am is through change. By no means do I ever say sorry just for the sake of saying it. I'm genuinely sorry when I apologize and I know it makes everyone sick. "You don't need to apologize, Matt", and I am so very aware that I may not need to, but if I feel that it's necessary then I will apologize with every ounce of my heart.
My biggest apology is the only apology that I'll ever write on paper because I need it to be heard by all of my friends and family. I need it to be heard for everyone who apologizes countless times because of what they can't help. I need my apology to be the apology that everyone wants to say to their loved ones but just don't know the right words or how to push it out of their mouth. My apology is for those who feel so broken that all they can do is apologize for it time and time again. My apology is more than just my apology. I'm sorry for everything.
Strangely enough, there is something, though, that I will never be sorry for. I will never be sorry for who I am. I may be sorry for the countless frustrations I cause and I may be sorry for how bad my conditions can get, but I refuse to apologize for who I am as a person. Because there's only one of me and I swear I am doing everything I can to be the best me.
