9 Phases Any Student Who Attends A Mumps-Infested University Will Go Through

9 Phases Any Student Who Attends A Mumps-Infested University Will Go Through

The Black Plague or the Mumps? You decide.
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Syracuse University has been hit with a mumps epidemic proving very difficult to beat. Strong feelings of paranoia and fear spread across campus. Here are the phases we, as a student body, have experienced while living in a pea tree dish of a mumps-infested university.

1. Denial: Part 1.

When rumors first break that Syracuse University is infested with the Mumps, everyone and anyone laughs at the thought. How could that even be possible? Most of us held a preconceived notion that the mumps was a viral disease only existing in medieval times.

Nope. Additionally, how could any of us contract the mumps, weren’t we all vaccinated prior to our arrival on campus? Yes. Yes, we were. To our dismay, we later find out that indeed the mumps still exists and the virus can mutate to a different strand bypassing the required vaccination.

2. Denial: Part 2.

Students begin to ponder. How could the mumps infest such a well-respected university? There is not a sliver in the realm of possibility that the mumps has infiltrated the bubble on the top of grassy hills of upstate New York that is Syracuse University. Even if the mumps were on campus it’s not like we are a target. We as students decide we will not get the mumps. Our will-power will protect our health and our sanity.

3. Confusion: Part 1.

What are the mumps? What happens to you? How does it spread?

After many google image responses, we discover that the virus gives similar mono-like symptoms except this disease causes one’s face to swell up the size of bowling ball featuring a repulsive looking rash.

The pictures almost resemble a second head growing on one’s face in an unfortunate fashion. The virus is spread through contact of salivary glands as well as kissing. For the wide population of hormonal college students looking to link up with those of the same or opposite sex this was the most concerning of news.

4. Confusion: Part 2.

We received word that the cases of mumps have tripled in an impressive two weeks. Hmm. This is strange. So our school is swarming with the mumps and we are officially vulnerable. Students continue to ponder; don’t we have doctors? If we can send people to the moon we can stop the mumps, correct?

5. Panic.

Similar to the Red Scare, paranoia spreads attached to rumors stating that death upon all and infertility among men is imminent when diagnosed with the mumps. Peers call parents and loved ones sharing the tragic news.

Parents respond with less than animated responses understanding that, no, death is not attached to this virus and that it is very well curable. Young males who fail to accept the news that their swimmers are safe sink into a temporary hypnotic state of depression and despair.

6. Action.

Syracuse offers a delayed step to stop the mumps epidemic by offering free booster vaccinations after the virus had exceeded its infestation cap among persons. Classic. Lines of college kids fill auditoriums waiting to receive the vaccine.

Those who have a phobia of needles are forced to face their fears in a very public setting. To the minority of students who fainted after receiving the vaccination, shake it off. At least you don’t have the mumps… yet.

7. Anger.

The most shocking news since Trump's Election surfaces the community.

The school has now capitalized on the mumps epidemic by using it to cancel all Greek life social events advised by the health department of Syracuse. Interesting. Outraged, angry and somewhat personally victimized, those involved in Greek life are taken aback by such extraordinary measures.

The question of how canceling Greek life events would halt the circulation of the mumps is investigated by students. Is this legal? Are the rights of all students involved in Greek life being violated? What can be done through the court system in order to right this injustice?

Students began protest petitions. Alumni and parents were called to stop the madness. Incidentally, this calamity struck the social scene on Halloween, easily the staple weekend of all social weekends.

8. Depression.

If the student body of Syracuse can’t even party is there a point to fighting the mumps? What else do we have to lose?

9. Acceptance.

We, as a student body, can find other ways to fight the system and the mumps. If we unite as one and wash our hands using soap and warm water, we can and will defeat this infectious disease.

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An Open Letter To The Girl Trying To Get Healthy Again

"I see you eating whatever you want and not exercising" - Pants
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Dear girl trying to get back in shape,

I know it's hard. I know the hardest thing you may do all day is walk into the gym. I know how easy it is to want to give up and go eat Chicken McNuggets, but don't do it. I know it feels like you work so hard and get no where. I know how frustrating it is to see that person across the table from you eat a Big Mac every day while you eat your carrots and still be half of your size. I know that awful feeling where you don't want to go to the gym because you know how out of shape you are. Trust me, I know.

SEE ALSO: To The Girl Trying To Lose Weight In College


The important thing is you are doing something about it. I'm sure you get mad at yourself for letting your body get this out of shape, but life happens. You have made a huge accomplishment by not having a soda in over a month, and those small changes are huge. I understand how hard it is, I understand how frustrating it is to not see results and I understand why you want to give up. Being healthy and fit takes so much time. As much as I wish you could wake up the day after a good workout with the 6 pack of your dreams, that just isn't the reality. If being healthy was easy, everyone would do it, and it wouldn't feel so good when you got there.

Remember how last January your resolution was to get back in the gym and get healthy again? Think about how incredible you would look right now if you would have stuck with it. The great thing is that you can start any time, and you can prove yourself wrong.

Tired of starting over? Then don't give up.

You are only as strong as your mind. You will get there one day. Just be patient and keep working.

Nothing worth having comes easy. If you want abs more than anything, and one day you woke up with them, it wouldn't be nearly as satisfying as watching your body get stronger.

Mental toughness is half the battle. If you think you are strong, and believe you are strong, you will be strong. Soon, when you look back on the struggle and these hard days, you will be so thankful you didn't give up.

Don't forget that weight is just a number. What is really important is how you feel, and that you like how you look. But girl, shout out to you for working on loving your body, because that shit is hard.

To the girl trying to get healthy again, I am so proud of you. It won't be easy, it will take time. But keep working out, eating right, and just be patient. You will be amazed with what your body is capable of doing.

Cover Image Credit: Stock Snap

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Weight Watchers Dropped 'Weight' From Their Name, But That Doesn't Change Its Obsession With It

"WW" is just a wolf in sheep's clothing.

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In its 55th year of operation, the weight loss company Weight Watchers has announced that they are changing their name to "WW" in an attempt to focus more on overall health and wellness. But "slimming down" their name was the only effort they made in this process; in fact, they've made no other substantial progress towards abandoning their weight-obsession. Weight Watchers always has been, and always will be, a company that capitalizes off of self-hatred and the perception that thinness is equivalent to happiness.

WW posted this tweet on Monday talking about focusing on wellness outside of weight loss, all while still saying they'll "always be the global leader in weight loss." I'm not buying it.

Historically, the members of Weight Watchers would attend meetings where they would regularly weigh-in in front of their peers and listen to "motivational" lectures about weight loss. Currently, they operate on a point system where food is given point values and members are allowed to eat a certain number of points a day. This is extremely problematic and harmful because of the simple fact that food has no moral value. Assigning this point limitation—which, let's be honest, is no different than counting calories—not only encourages restrictive food habits but perpetuates the idea that people are "bad" or have failed when they go over the limit.

So why is Weight Watchers changing their name? Maybe it's the fact that people are starting to realize that diets don't work. Maybe they're trying to dig themselves out of the hole they dug themselves into when they encouraged teenagers to go on diets by offering them free memberships. Personally, I think that they have noticed the success of the body positive and Health at Every Size movements' use of "health and wellness" and other weight-inclusive language and are now attempting to appear "woke" by disguising their dieting as body positive.

Associating weight loss with "wellness" is hardly inspiring "healthy habits for real life" like the WW CEO claims is the company's goal. Especially when there is no substantial evidence to suggest that weight is indicative of health—there has been no meta-analysis proving this ever. It only serves to alienate and shame the people who it is supposed to "help." Not to mention serves as a breeding ground for eating disorders and other mental health issues.

It's time that we stop obeying Weight Watchers' orders and assigning ourselves guilt and shame, and start pointing the finger towards our real problem: societal fatphobia.

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