When I was little my mother used to tell me I was fearless. I used to always adventure around the house and find something to get in trouble for. She also used to tell me when I was little that "a person is more than the sum of her fears." I never understood what she meant until years later, when an anxiety disorder threatened to rule my life.
It all started when I went into the sixth grade. I was an awkward kid who wanted friends, but I was shy and I didn’t know how to interact with people. Apparently this made me the target for bullies. All throughout my sixth grade year the bullies did not relent and it followed me even into my high school years. I remember dreading going to school every day and eating lunch in my stained glass teachers room because I knew I would not get bullied there.
The bullying eventually ended as high school progressed, but my fear of going to school never ended. It started as always looking over my shoulder when I walked through the hallways at school, and it grew to where I felt a sense of deep panic and dread every time the phone would ring. I was afraid to go to sporting events and enjoy even running track because I was afraid of being bullied again. My fear had taken control of every aspect of my life.
As things progressed, my fears started to become unrealistic. I was afraid of going outside for a time because I always thought that I would be kidnapped just standing there. I never wanted to leave the house or hang out with friends because my house was the only place that was even semi-safe. I was jealous of my friends who could go outside and have lives without always being afraid. My sophomore and most of my junior year, passed with me watching everyone else enjoy the perks of high school while I sat home alone. At the end of my junior year I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder.
The words felt like defeat to me. Adding a diagnosis to my fear made me come to the realization that I had a problem that I felt could never be fixed. I felt like I would never live a normal life because of it.
I felt like I would be forever locked in this cage of my own fear. That the days in my life would pass without me actually living. I was afraid to tell my friends who had been so patient with me over the years for fear that they might think I’m crazy, and at times I felt crazy.
However, the summer before my freshman year in college I decided that I had enough. My life was passing fast before me and I had wasted my whole high school career afraid. I was not going to let the same thing happen in college and I was not going to let my anxiety take control of my life any longer.
The first step was running. I had run track all throughout high school, but I was always terrified to run alone. Every time I went out on the trail and ran by myself I won a small victory in a bigger war against my anxiety. Each and every day that I went out to the trail by myself I won another battle. I began to go out with my friends more, and hangout with them, which I had always been too afraid to do during my high school career.
The first semester of college was a challenge. I was in a new environment taking on fifteen credit hours, being a student athlete, and wanting to get involved all the while I was afraid to even leave my room at times. Every time I was afraid to leave my room I forced myself out. The more I was afraid the more I got involved. I joined my sorority, got involved in dance marathon, ran track, and kept my grades at a B average. Finally I was winning the battle with my anxiety.
Now I know that I am not alone. I have found some great friends who I have told about my anxiety and they support me. I am living a normal life and I am not letting my fears define me. Everyone needs to know that they are not alone in this fight. There are many people with anxiety who face their fears every day. Sometimes it’s easy to feel like there is no hope and that no one out there understands how you feel. I know because I have been there too.
I still fight my anxiety everyday but I am getting stronger. I have learned how to live a life where my fear does not define me. I encourage everyone with anxiety to get involved in their campus. Anxiety is terrifying especially in college, but there are ways to overcome it. Never be afraid to talk someone, and I promise you are not alone.
