Have you ever been in a relationship that ended badly?
Maybe, maybe not. But all of us have considered dating, sex, and marriage at some point in our lives.
Personally, I have had my share of painful breakups, and after a while I started wondering, is dating and marriage really worth it? Trying to convince myself that I wasn’t being bitter and jaded, I researched monogamy at length, but still found this answer to be no.
Even if you are dead set on searching for the right person and eventually settling down, making and keeping your vows to them through the long years, you may want to examine another take on romance. Maybe you’ve already found that person, your soul mate, but you’re having issues with jealousy and anxiety about the future. Well, here are some possible reasons.
Monogamy is unrealistic because it contradicts human biology, causes emotional trauma, and defies modernity.
In the prosaic words of actress Sienna Miller, “Monogamy is a weird thing to me. It's overrated because, let's face it, we're all f*cking animals. The fact is, no one is perfect."
Miller released this statement when asked about her boyfriend, Jude Law’s infidelity. What did she mean by this?
Well, in the more polished words of integrity coach Michael McDonald, “while secure attachment between two people is very natural, the assumed exclusivity and the duration of monogamy are unnatural, a purely human creation that requires the restraint of our nature.”
It is entirely possible to love and be faithful to one person. But McDonald says that this should be reserved for “the experts,” because it’s indicative of higher evolution.
I am not here to advocate infidelity, or prescribe sexual promiscuity. But I am here to gently remind you that polyamory is our natural state and monogamy is our conscious state.
We suffuse polyamorous feelings because we are taught that they are morally wrong. But this is not the case. Both of these feelings come to us naturally. There is no right or wrong here.
One of my friends described monogamy as “a waste of time” and a “self-sacrifice.”
Think about the slew of books, movies, poetry, and songs about heartbreak. Think about all the psychological and psychosexual conditions that come about because of a bad marriage, bad parenting, a bad breakup. Think about the parallel amount of pain waiting on the other side of love.
Is monogamy itself solely to blame for all this? Of course, not. But it’s a major factor, or at the least a common denominator.
When Independent reporter Celine McGillycuddy anonymously surveyed a group of women about their thoughts on marriage, a divorced woman with children replied, “Monogamy is another word for jealousy and possessiveness.”
Now, earlier, what did I mean by modernity? Social evolution; the concept of moving forward, doubting and dismantling tradition, epitomizing individuality, freedom, and equality, scientific and technological progress, human perfectibility, rationalization, and professionalization.
What does this have to do with monogamy? Marriage and fidelity are ancient practices. Not that there is anything necessarily wrong with ancient practices, but they are meant to be built upon, improved, abolished if they aren’t effective for a modern society. So why have we kept marriage? Something so stifling and archaic. Is it really an effective instrument for humanity?
According to a poll in The Independent, “…an overwhelming majority of women [see] monogamy as an ancient monolith of a bygone era.”
Similarly, one of my classmates said that monogamy is “outdated.”
Marriage is a prime example, if not even the prime source, of gender roles in practice. It holds the female in a position of mother and caretaker, the male in a position of breadwinning and dictatorship. This varies culture to culture, and certain families are happy with this system. But it is labeled boxes like these that keep us from moving forward as a society. It is labeled boxes like these that allow professional, single women, or women who choose not to have children, to be called cold, selfish, spinsters. It is labeled boxes like these that allow men to be ridiculed for doing anything even vaguely feminine, like expressing their emotions.
I hope I've given you a different perspective on something that many people view as an integral part of their lives.
We do not need to perpetuate the habit of exclusivity in dating and marriage in situations when it could be harmful to us. Humans are dynamic, sophisticated beings. Feelings of love and sexual attraction are not things that we can control, and we shouldn’t be ashamed of emotions that are, truly, out of our hands. Our deep, passionate love for someone exists independently of, say, our purely physical desire for someone else. Neither of these are something to torture yourself about.
Again, I am not here to advocate infidelity or sexual promiscuity. But now that you know some psychology and philosophy behind monogamy, and how personally damaging it can be, I demand that you all fall in love with yourselves before anyone else, and never submit yourselves or others to unhealthy relationships
Find a romantic arrangement that works for you, whether it be monogamy, polyamory, or nothing at all.
