I am my mother's first daughter and it is clear in ways we are alike. I am a spitting image of her in her college days at Syracuse . We both have large 'teethy' smiles with long noses and the exact same hair. We both are history buffs, have a passion for the entertainment field, we both have a positive outlook on life and are similar in the way we try to never take anything too seriously. The thing about my mother and I though is that we don't have that typical mother-daughter bond that is a norm and engraved in any little girls mind. I am much closer to my father, we share the bond that my mother and I never have had.

I remember hanging out at my best friends house in 6th grade and loving spending time with her mom more than I did with my own. Her mom made cupcakes with us, she took us to get our nails done...she spent time with us and tried to be involved in our lives. She took care of us and I loved the safety and comfort I felt with her; what I lacked with my own mother. My friend told me her mom was her best friend and she loved spending time with her. I found it a bit unsettling that I did not feel the same way. My mom was never really involved in my day to day life. She was a bit distant. When I got home from school she did not make me a snack, she didn't check what homework I had for that night, and she most certainly did not keep tabs on whether I had done it or not. This was when I was young and craved that sense of authority because it translated that she cared.

My friend's mothers were aware of what projects, test, and after school events they had coming up, they volunteered to help out at our musical practices...my mom couldn't remember which musical I was in half the time...they were always on top of their daughters lives. To be honest, now looking back on it they were simply up their a** and my mom never was which ironically made me sad. Now looking back on it I'm sure people would view me as lucky not having an overprotective mom...but I think that it bothered me more that she didn't even care where I was half the time.

In high school I really began to resent my mom because she was not financially stable with a Real Estate job, it did not result in a consistent income rather, every once in a while she'd get lucky and sell a house. My two sisters and I as well as my mom, relied on my dad's income of a high school art teacher. I found her decision to choose an unstable job as selfish and when my father and her argued about finances I always sided with him; protecting him. I did not respect her. I viewed her as a younger sister, someone I had to take care of rather that the other way around. There were times that I had more money in my bank account than she did, when Christmas came around I helped my dad pay for presents. She didn't.

I was disappointed in my mom. She had graduated from Syracuse as a highly involved sister of Gamma Phi Beta and a journalism major. She worked in NYC for Soap Opera Weekly with a high up position. I felt she had had such a bright future and had made poor decisions. I realized that not being able to rely on financial support from my own mother negatively affected our relationship. She couldn't afford to take me out to get our nails done like my other friend's moms could. I was embarrassed.

I respected my dad and sadly felt I loved him much more. I felt I related to him more and had no problem telling him every detail of my life. We would have heart to hearts and anytime I needed advice or to rant, I turned to him. He knew my social circle, he was able to pick out which friend of mine was dating my other friend and follow my stories of which one of my friends we had all gotten in a fight with, etc.; my mom just couldn't keep up.

I've grown up in a world where mothers are supposed to be their daughters' biggest role model. It is weird to me that I view her life as motivation to achieve something quite the opposite. I felt she was ignorant and I did not desire to be like her. I would try to approach her about conflicts but her attempts to comfort me would end up irritating me. Anytime I tried to get close to her by talking about what was going on in my life I left the conversation more frustrated and annoyed than before. She just never said the right thing in my mind, unlike my father who I felt always knew the right words to say. It was as if he knew me better and my mother and I were simply acquaintances. This feeling of having an abnormal relationship upset me and I felt different. I felt there was something missing in my relationship with my mother and did not know how to fix it. I hated feeling different than all of my peers.

However, through all of this I have grown a great appreciation for my mother. I realize we are more friends than mother-daughter and I have accepted that. I have realized in my college years how much alike we are and that feeling comforts me and I have a new grown love for her that I never had. I find myself being able to open up to her more and more.

Especially now that I am on the job search, I realize I'd love to pursue a career similar to the one she had out of college and she has helped me greatly. I realize now that there is nothing wrong with having the absence of a typical "mother-daughter" relationship. I am a daddy's girl completely as some people just are. Yet, my mother expresses her love to me in her own unique way and I should be grateful to even have her. As we both age we will continue to grow closer. The thing about my mother is that I realize no matter what she will never judge me. She has an open heart and an open mind. She means well and I know will support me no matter what. She holds me to high expectations yet, if I mess up will still encourage me. I realize that I have a great lifelong friend and now am excited to become more and more like her each day.