For those of you who feel that no one understands just how powerful the effects of the mind can be — you are not alone.
I have always struggled with general anxieties — you know the ones where I would find a way to skip third period four days in a row just so I did not have to do my class presentation, or when I would be convinced that the car’s tire pressure is uneven and surely we are about to flip. At the time, I felt afraid to do most things because of irrational situations I put into my mind. I also felt afraid of socialization because I was sure that everything I had to say was wrong and somehow George Washington couldn’t be the first president, look it up before you say it to the class just in case history has been changed. The anxiety took over my life and at that time I thought it was the worst it could possibly get; boy was I wrong.
The mind is a powerful thing.
“Breathe easy,” my mom said to me over the phone as I was sitting in the back of an ambulance after calling 911 for what I thought was an allergic reaction even though I knew I wasn’t allergic to anything. Saliva escaping my mouth, throat closing, heart racing unbelievably fast… “Yeah, this just seems to be an anxiety attack,” the doctor said to me after waiting two hours in the ER, sure they were going to tell me horrifying news about my health. “Just anxiety?” I thought to myself, completely confused and afraid. I spent the next week in excruciating physical pain. Chest pain, nausea, tight throat, shooting pains in my arms, even pins and needles in my head, tell me that’s not terrifying. Once again I pondered about there being something physically wrong with me, to the point where it triggered more and more attacks. I began living my life in complete utter fear of when the next attack would approach, and with no doubt in my mind, I must have been terminally ill; these symptoms just aren’t normal. How could all of these feelings be brought about because of my own brain?
The mind is a powerful thing.
About a month after being hospitalized for my panic attacks I found myself beginning to get a little bit better. I began to meditate and do deep breathing, and I finally found a way to cope, until it came back even stronger; you see that’s the thing that scared me the most, I never knew when it was coming. On a Sunday afternoon, I called my mom crying about something so terrifying that had happened. I was sitting there watching how I met your mother, you know, like I do for hours a day when I should be doing homework, when all of a sudden for five seconds time had stopped — I could not move, everything turned white, and my mind went blank. Once I snapped out of it, I immediately freaked out thinking it was a mini seizure, and in that moment I realized what I had to do. My dad rushed to pick me up and two hours later I was on my way home. I missed that full week of classes going to several doctors and getting blood tests and also seeing therapists to sort everything out. Turns out the activity in the brain that comes along with anxiety can cause seizure-like episodes as well.
The mind is a powerful thing.
After seeing a psychiatrist, we came to the conclusion that I had something called panic disorder along with generalized anxiety disorder, and she gave me so many coping methods and exercises I have been doing ever since. Each day I gain more and more hope that soon I will free of this heavy burden. I have come to a point where I can feel an attack coming on and just politely tell it to “f off.” I have taken massive steps forward and you can too.
The mind is a powerful thing.
And although by now you might think that’s a bad thing, it can also be something so beautiful. There are seven billion different minds out there, no two alike. minds that are powerful and can be used for imagination and creation. Minds that can be used for brilliance and new inventions, and also minds that can be used for compassion and acts of kindness. I find myself getting lost in the little things that make life so wonderful. the beauty of nature, of coincidence, of being different. Most people would feel ashamed or maybe embarrassed writing about this, and maybe some people reading this think it is written for sympathy; I can assure you that’s not it. I write to inspire and to give hope to those dealing with similar struggles. I write to detach the stigma surrounding mental illness — it is a real and scary thing. I also write as a coping method for myself — you would not believe how many thoughts cross my mind each minute and how many different approaches they take. It can go from, “I should really do my homework” to “Ugh. I really need my dog right now” to “Oh my god, the world can end at any moment” all in that order. Like I said, the mind is a powerful thing, but that’s what makes life so interesting. For those of you dealing with anything remotely similar, I encourage you to open up and accept it for what it is and find beauty within the journey if gives you.
