This is not going to be a political article. It is an article meant for support and it is meant to also support myself.
About 9.5 percent of the US population age 18 or older has a mood disorder. That means 20.9 million American adults have anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, or some mix up of some of these and others. Anxiety disorders are the most common disorder in the United States. They are more likely to be put in a psychiatric unit than any other disorder. Out of the statistics of anxiety disorders, 6 million people have panic disorders. I am one of those 6 million people.
I am a 20-year-old female and I have a panic anxiety disorder. This means that on top of having a general anxiety disorder, I have random and severe panic attacks at least once a week, often for no reason that last between 20 and 40 minutes. I have been diagnosed for a year and a half and have been fighting this for two years. I am not unique when it comes to my mental disorder. I am part of a statistic. So when my psychiatrist told me that she was going to give me more medication on top of what I was already taking, why did I feel shittier than I already did?
I had often associated mental illness with a lot of negative connotations up until I was diagnosed. I thought that you had to be some sort of special to be diagnosed. I remember thinking I was depressed in 8th grade because I physically couldn't feel happy anymore and I was feeling suicidal and someone told me "you can't possibly be depressed because depressed people can barely function or get out of bed". I remember thinking that maybe I am having separation anxiety when my ex-boyfriend and I started long distance and someone told me that "you can't possibly have separation anxiety because you seem to be coping so well". I thought mental illness was reserved for those who truly could not function in their daily life because of their mental state. I wasn't doing well, but I thought I was at least functioning.
I didn't get diagnosed help until I had my first panic attack when I was 18. I thought I was dying during my senior prom. It felt like my throat closed up, my heart was going to give out, I couldn't stop hyperventilating, I thought my head was going to explode. The next one I had that Tuesday, I was taken to a hospital where I was told that I was having a panic attack and "nothing more". I started seeing therapists the summer before my first year of college who diagnosed me with a panic disorder. I thought, "I'm at my lowest. I'm diagnosed. I'm a statistic. I'm that fucked up."
During my first year of college, I struggled with my disorder and my new identity. "Zoey Kambour: age 19, music and art history double major, panic disorder." I had to include on every form that I had a mental disorder, I had to tell every professor that I needed to be excused from class if I got a panic attack during it. I had to meet with therapists and psychiatrists just to survive on campus with this disorder.
I was given my first round of medication during the middle of my first semester. The first thing I thought was, "Well, I guess I'm beyond hope." When I was prescribed my second orange bottle to add to my shelf I thought, "Well, I guess this means I'm worse than I was before."
But I'm wrong.
Medication is there to help you. When one has any sort of mood disorder, it means that there is a chemical imbalance in your brain. Medication is designed to take those imbalances and set them right again, just like they're supposed to be. If I had diabetes, I would be taking medication to make my glucose levels stay where they're supposed to be. This doesn't mean that I'm a different person or a more messed up person because I'm taking medication; it means I'm taking it to make myself healthy.
Why do we view mental disorder medication so differently?
A man with schizophrenia said, “Being medicated involves the admission of needing someone else’s help…It is an admission of some degree of helplessness; an admission that one is not all-powerful, and some may believe it is an admission of weakness.”
Many people feel this way and I certainly did for a long time. But it is simply not true.
I believe it is because the America public doesn't view mental illness in the same category as physical disorders or illness. As if the chemical imbalance in your brain isn't a physical disorder. Having a therapist should cure you of all your mental illness. But that isn't true. Mental illness is an internal disorder. People can’t see how badly one is hurt and therefore, often devalue the pain that people who struggle with this everyday feel.
Taking medication is like taking antibiotics. You feel horrible, so horrible that it’s making your life miserable. Your doctor prescribes you antibiotics. If you don’t take the antibiotics, it will get worse, but when you do, it will steadily get better. I have experienced this first hand, but it turns out I have to take more “antibiotics” because the toxic parts of my illness were able to combat the antibiotics so I have to take some more. In the words of my choir director, it’s not a bad thing, it’s just a thing.
If you are experiencing any symptom of anxiety, depression, eating disorder, or you want to talk about your state of mind, talk to a therapist immediately. Therapists are not reserved for people who already have disorders. Therapists are people who are there to listen to you and to help you through the rough patches in your life. Seeing a therapist doesn't mean you're a messed up person, it means you're taking your life by the horns. If they recommend a psychiatrist who prescribes you medication, it doesn't mean you've fallen off the deep end, it means you're on the road to recovery.
It's ok if you have to try multiple medications! Everyone is completely different and people have differences in their brain. Medications work differently on different people.
People with mental disorders aren't "messed up" or "beyond hope". People with mood disorders are strong people. They are trying to live life without showing the world that there is a war inside their head at all times of the day. They are not lazy because they struggle to get out of bed; they are not weak because others think "this is just an emotional issue". Many actively try to make themselves mentally healthy. Medication is a helping hand on the road to a happier and healthier mind. I am on this road and millions of other people in the U.S. alone are on this road. The road is full of mountains, hurdles, booby traps, and more, but nonetheless, you are still moving forward despite all of those obstacles.
If you think you are experiencing symptoms of a mental disorder, consult http://www.adaa.org. Talk to a professional and seek help. You are not alone.
