The differences in how each and every one of us reacts to and perceives situations is astonishing. Some of us might hear one thing, while others of us might hear something completely different. These are just a few examples of some situations I experience much differently than other people:
Social Anxiety
What you hear: Party!!!
What I hear: ..............uhhhh, no. Oh my gosh. I can’t. I look like crap. My hair isn’t done. I need to stop home and change. Ew this outfit won’t work. Neither will this one. Or this one. Or that one. Dang it I have nothing to wear. I’m not going. Pull yourself together. You’re fine. Just act normal. Who cares, right? They all care... they’re looking at me. That girl over there laughed, it’s probably because of my outfit. Why is everyone looking at me? I’m so ugly. Get me out of here. I can’t fake a smile any harder or my cheeks will fall off. They hate me. Breathe. Breathe. You’re forgetting to breathe. Stop playing with your hands, you haven’t let go of your hands since we got here. Gosh my hands are sweaty. Stop talking. She’s looking at you. He’s looking at you. They’re laughing at you. They think you’re weird. Find a place to hide. Ignore it. I can’t ignore it. They’re all looking at me. You’re embarrassing yourself. “Where’s the bathroom?”
Okay, almost to the bathroom. Just a few... more... steps... and... safe. Breathe. Just breathe. You’re safe in here. Breathe.
Repeat this cycle throughout the entirety of the social situation to achieve optimum results.
Depression
What you hear: Work was rough today... oh well might as well move on.
What I hear: *crying starts* I can’t do this anymore. I quit. I don’t care if I have no money. I’ll live in my car. I hate this. I hate myself. I’m so stupid. Why can’t I do anything right? Everyone else doesn’t seem to be screwing up. Stop messing up so much. Your boss hates you. I bet they’re going to fire me. What would that girl from kindergarten think if she saw me now? She would probably still hate me. Why did she hate me so much? Why does everyone hate me? Why does nothing work out for me? Why am I such a screw up? I bet this is why I have no relationship with my family. I screw up. I’m stupid. They hate me. I bet my friends think I’m annoying. I think I’m annoying. I’m so tired. Leave me alone. Let me sleep forever. I want to die. Let me leave this planet. I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m a waste of space. I can’t even “live” correctly. God why did you put me here? Is this funny to you? Watching me struggle? Why? *crying tapers off* I’m so exhausted. I don’t want to move. I don’t want to do anything. I can’t get out of bed. I just can’t. I’m numb. I don’t think I can feel anything anymore. I’m not even sad anymore. Or happy. Or mad. I’m just... blank. I feel blank. Neutral. Wasted. God I’m sorry... f!%k
Repeat this cycle until something good happens, take a break, and then start again the next day.
Eating Disorders: Bulimia/Anorexia
What you hear: Pizza! Ice cream!
What I hear: fat. Fat. fat. Fat. fat. Fat. fat. Fat. fat. Fat. fat. Fat. fat. Fat. fat. Fat. Don’t you dare eat that. Do not. Self control. Control. Control. Contr....cont....con...co...just one bite....NO. Don’t. Look away. Don’t even look at it. Drink water. Chew gum. Don’t turn around, don’t turn around. I shouldn’t have turned back around...that pizza looks so good. Don’t do it. Do you have no self control? Apparently not. Just one bite. Maybe one more. Well, I might as well finish it. *proceeds to binge on a mass amount of food* You’ve done it now. Way to go. This is why you shouldn’t have eaten it from the start. Now you need to find some place to go to the bathroom. You have to get it out. Get it out. Get it out. It's disgusting. You’re disgusting. Empty. Empty. Empty. Why can’t you be normal? You can’t even eat a piece of pizza without freaking out. You should be ashamed. Why can’t you be like your friends? They can eat and have a good time. All you’re worried about is finding a bathroom. Or a paper bag. Just eat the food like a normal human being. Stop touching your stomach. Stop pinching it, it's not going to make it go away. Fat. Big. Large. Get on the scale. No, don’t get on the scale. Work out. Exercise. Fat. Drink water. Chew gum. Fat. Fat.
Repeat with every meal or every time food is brought up in a conversation.
As you can see, it can be a daily struggle for some. I can only write out so many thoughts on a page without overwhelming the reader. Keep in mind, this is the extremely shortened, edited down, diluted version of what myself and others “hear” on a daily basis. Be compassionate. What you experience may be the polar opposite of what someone else is going through in that moment. You may not understand it, and that’s okay. Heck I don’t even understand half of the things I think and feel.
Moral of the story, mental complexities are hard to deal with. The end.
