There are levels in gayland, levels that often reflect the worst prejudices held by society as a whole. Certain homosexuals (I always kind of hated that term, it sounds like the scientific name of a wombat) are considered better or more desirable than others, based on their race, appearance, weight, and access to personal grooming products. I’m making light of it, but it can get ugly, and it says something very unpleasant about gay people that such a large amount of us are so ready to dismiss someone as unworthy of common courtesy simply because they don’t have a gym membership. Not everyone though, I don’t want to generalize too much because I don’t feel that even the majority of gay men are like this, just a really vocal and passionate percentage of us. It’s not every gay, but that these attitudes exist at all is a problem.

Guys who are gay and are deemed to be “girlier” or more feminine are often treated with derision by more masculine gay guys. To boil it down, if he seems like he could have been a character on Glee, then some masculine guys might find him really annoying. “Fems” or “femmes,” as you might find them described on Grindr, are one of the groups at a disadvantage in gay society. If you go on Grindr (which, just in case everyone doesn’t know, is basically Tindr meets Craigslist meets the worst one-night stand of your life), you will find a multitude of profiles saying something like, “Masc for same” or, “No fems. Sorry just my preference.” Although, on Grindr they are probably even more poorly-punctuated, but I can only bring myself to go so far in my imitation.

Not to say that being prematurely rejected by some lonely, faceless torsos is all that bad when you really think about it. I stopped going on Grindr a long time ago once I matured enough to get over the thrill of getting to talk to other gays while still being isolated in my tiny hometown, where the only other gay guy I knew of was a fiftyish man named Stanley with a receding hairline, a flower shop and a love of all things Barbara Streisand. But even though I may no longer have a Grindr, if I had one, I would like to be able to get grossed out by sleazy old men who offer to pay me for sex acts without fear that a little eyeliner is going to get me called a derogatory name by some guy named Kyle who thinks he’s better than me just because he wears a backwards baseball cap and knows whatever football team Kevin Durant plays for. Just kidding, I know Kevin Durant plays basketball—I just don’t care.

There is disagreement about this. “Manlier” gay guys don’t really think it’s a problem. They just want to be able to be a guy. “We’re all men here, let’s act like it.” That’s an actual quote from a Grindr profile that I read once, I’ve never forgotten it. My response to that is, who are you to tell me how to be a man? There’s more than one way to be a man, and not all of those ways have to include beer, Breaking Bad and protein shakes. I’ve just never understood why it matters that my favorite song is the 2007 pop music masterpiece Piece of Me by the legendary Miss Britney Spears. I mean, at the end of the day, all gay men are going to (I mean probably, hopefully) have sex with other gay men. What defies the traditional definition of masculinity more than that? Is my scarf collection really “gayer” than gay sex?

Also, I don't care how many people mistake you for straight, that Britney song is modern-day Mozart and we all know it!

Aren’t we bending enough rules about sexuality and gender identity that we should be above such antiquated definitions of masculinity? Why do we have to rationalize our own sexuality that way? In my opinion, that’s exactly what it is—it’s a rationalization. It’s a compromise with our own internalized homophobia that we never quite overcame. Yeah, I’m gay, but I don’t talk with a lisp and my wrists are firm enough and straight enough to level your picture frames with, so it doesn’t matter. I’m gay, but I’m still a man, so it’s okay. You’ll never see me marching in a parade with only my underwear and a Katy Perry song to protect my dignity.

I’m not trying to say we should all worship at the altar of Urban Decay makeup and bleach the life out of our hair (although, good money says you will never, ever meet a gay who hasn’t tried or will try to go blond once—even the ones who go to gun ranges), I’m just saying we should respect one another. We don’t all have to be feminine, but we don’t all have to be masculine either. We should just respect one another and respect how we choose to live our lives. Gay people spend a lot of time saying that our own lifestyle isn’t society’s business, but it’s not each other’s business either. Live and let live.

And if other, more masculine gay guys don’t want to date more feminine gay guys, that’s fine. We all have our likes and dislikes. Personally, I have a very strict height rule for myself because I’m pretty tall and I don’t like to feel like the person I’m dating had to climb up a beanstalk to meet me. I’m just saying… let’s be polite. Let’s be kind. Let’s support one another. There are enough narrow-minded people in the world that will judge us for defying the traditional—gays shouldn’t do it to each other.

Ugh, that sounds like something from some kind of awful after-school special. I mean, if the actors in an after-school special had the perfect arch in their eyebrows and did butt stuff. But it still stands! Girls and guys, hold your gays close and tell them to love one another, because if we don't, then Kim Davis and her damaged hair win, and there's not enough leave-in conditioner in the world to make that okay.