“I’m so stressed out that I want to pull my hair out!”
There are people who say this when they are stressed, and then there are people who actually do it because they are stressed. I was one of those people.
Trichotillomania, a disorder that involves pulling out one's own hair, affects more than 200,000 people each year. The act of pulling out one’s hair is caused by urges and causes bald patches. People with the disorder pull not only from their scalp, but also their eyebrows or eyelashes. The disorder itself can be found in people of all ages.
When I first started to pull my hair, I could not come to terms as to why I felt so anxious and down more than usual. I was only 11 when I had started to pull. It became evident once I gave myself a new bald spot that my family first noticed. It was then very difficult to stop because I was so accustomed to turning to pulling when my anxiety started to come back.
I grew older and my worries fell heavier, and by the time I was halfway into my freshman year in high school, I had already pulled more than half of my hair. I sported a short haircut to try to hide what I had done to myself. My life was taking a left turn into a world I did not want to enter.
Many asked me why I couldn’t just stop whenever I felt like it. It doesn’t work that way, because the urges are so strong that they tense you up to the point where you can’t even move. Many also didn’t understand this, but I did my best to keep my head up despite the fact that many people misunderstood and judged me.
There were many restless nights and tears that I cried because of all the frustration I felt with myself. I often became unhappy with my appearance because of the haircuts I had to get because of my bald spots. There were many days where I doubted myself because it felt never ending, but I knew I had to put an effort to heal myself and treat myself kindly.
My family and several different therapists were definitely my biggest supporters. Their constant support and unconditional love helped me mature as a young woman. Even though it might have been a difficult journey, I know that they were there for me through the worst times. This past June, I was two months pull-free compared to the past six years that I had been pulling nonstop.
Now, I am moving onto six months pull-free and it has never felt so liberating to say I’ve come this far. My hair has grown back for the most part. I have learned to be comfortable with myself and the way I feel. But most importantly, I was able to find the confidence and strength to deal with whatever life throws my way. I still get anxiety, but I am able to cope in healthier ways that allow me to live happier than I used to be.
