To The Man That Broke Me, Thank You

To The Man That Broke Me, Thank You

I am better now.

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Life has a way of working everything out and to be honest I couldn't have asked for a better ending. Not the ending you are thinking of though. Our ending was terrible. I was angry, hurtful and immature. I sent text after text never once stopping to just regroup and find myself, or even stopping to really think them through. To be honest the whole thing is kind of a blur. I never even wrote about you until now, three years later. I just couldn't bring myself to even think about it, to even really accept that it was over. I honestly assumed your relationship with her would just end eventually and you would try and come back to me. Crazy right? Yeah, insane.

Here we are though, three years later and you are getting married next month. I think when I saw that, when I realized I was never getting the closure I deserved, I think that's when it hit me. I needed to go through every detail of our relationship, I needed to cry and vent and cry some more. I needed to grieve. Something I did not do properly when things ended three years ago. I cried a lot and angry texted you every time you came into my head, and one day I didn't do any of that anymore, I just pushed you out of my mind, I was numb to it. You were dead to me. A little harsh? Yeah. But that was what was easy for me.

Can we just be blatantly honest for a minute? You cheated on me. You were engaged to the woman you cheated on me with, within six months after we broke up. Correction you broke up with me. Not the point. Six months wasn't even as long as our entire relationship?! Yet you were already engaged to her. So truthfully even now as a mature successful young woman, that still doesn't make any sense to me. It still hurts me beyond belief. Even more so because I summoned up the courage to replay it all over in my head and to go through all our text messages and I realized I gave you not one, not two, but AT LEAST three chances to end our relationship.

"It's okay if you have lost feelings."

"You can end things between us."

"I can tell things are different."

At seventeen, I didn't have the courage to end it myself, I wasn't strong enough and I clearly didn't know my worth. However, I still recognized things were off and I gave you the opportunity to leave. You didn't. So, to be clear, I don't think it was unjustified for me to absolutely lose my shit when I found out you cheated. When I found out you were engaged soon after. The one thing I will never understand is giving a man the option to walk away and he doesn't. He stays, says I love you and STILL proceeds to cheat on you. I don't get that. So yeah, our ending was terrible, to say the least, but there are still two more endings to our story. Your ending, where you live happily ever after with your beautiful bride next month. And my ending, which you know nothing about. As much as I would like to keep it that way because it feels so good knowing that you know no part of my life. I think it will also feel pretty good knowing you know exactly what you gave up on. Here it is.

I am now twenty years old. Working full time in a line of work that I absolutely love. I live in a simple one bedroom house with a detached two car garage, on the end of a quiet dead end road in the middle of town. I live with my one-year-old Goldendoodle that I raised all on my own. Maybe that isn't impressive or anything but working full time and raising a puppy alone is seriously something to be proud of. I am now an officer in the fire department. Important to be noted that you are the only person to ever look at me and say, "some firefighter you must be." Because I wouldn't let you turn around on the interstate to pick up a hitchhiker. As if that was any indication of what kind of firefighter I was. I drive a brand new vehicle and I am also house hunting. Yes, myself alone at twenty years old is looking for a house to buy, maybe I will even build.

Myself alone. My favorite combination of two words. Because at seventeen when we had that terrible ending I never thought it was possible to build a life by myself. I thought I needed you or someone for that matter. To move in with, to raise a puppy with, to come home to after a long day of work, to buy a new vehicle or to build a house with. My ending, I fell in love with myself, with being alone. I am living life to my expectations and nobody else's. I will never again date someone just to say I am dating someone because I don't need another being to get through life. I can do this alone. I am doing this alone. Actually, I am kind of rocking at it alone. The greatest thing to ever come of our relationship was you ending it. Because I would be her right now. Had you never given up on me I'd be the one that moved in with you, that got married to you, and without even knowing it I would be miserable.

Thank you.

I say that with absolutely no sarcastic tone. Truly from the bottom of my heart, thank you for breaking me.

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To The Boy I Almost Fell In Love With, We Weren't Ready For Each Other

I don't think we were ready to be what we wanted to be for each other.

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Hey you,

Look who's showing affection now.

I know you've been wondering if I'd mention you. I didn't think I would, period. Not this soon, that's for sure.

I'll start by saying neither of us meant for each other to play even a little bit of a role in each other's lives. Not as meaningful as we did, at least.

But no matter how unsure I was, no matter how many times I wanted to block you and leave everything unsaid, I couldn't help fighting through it just to know you.

The time we spent together never felt like enough. And I can't even speak in past tense because you're still here sometimes. Like when I think of your smile and how every part of me craved and waited anxiously for it to make an appearance, especially if it was because of me.

I used to think of it more, back when I thought you'd realize you made a mistake. Back when I thought we'd pick up where we left off.

I knew when I met you I wanted to show you every side of me. But what caught me by surprise, just like most things about you did, is that every time a layer of mine shed, yours did as well.

There are pieces of me, naked and raw. Physically and emotionally, locked away in your brain that nobody else will ever see. At least not in the way you did.

The purpose you had in my life was slight, in the long run. But regardless, you had a purpose and I want you to know that. I forgive you. I hope you know that me, out of all people, knows we can't control ourselves sometimes. Sometimes, we fuck up. Most of the time, it makes no fucking sense. All of the time, we'll try to figure it out and never will.

I don't think I'm falling in love with you anymore.

I'm sorry for saying I've never felt that way before about anyone, that was a lie.

I'm also sorry for being 8 shots deep when I said it.

That morning, I wanted us to cross paths again. I didn't think for a second you'd ever make me an option. I kinda thought I was your exception, your "just this once" because that's what you were to me.

This morning, I'm not sure we serve a purpose in each others lives. Not yet at least. Or ever for that matter. I don't think we were ready to be what we wanted to be for each other. And because I don't wanna reach out to you personally, I want you to know that I can't wait to see both of our many dreams come true.

I'm thankful for all of the little trips we took, stories and giggles shared, secrets whispered, ideas we cultivated, heart palpitations, and everything in between.

I won't forget.

I also won't cowardly push it away, like you're doing.

I don't blame timing, the universe, karma or any of that bullshit for the way things turned out.

At least on my end, I knew when I met you it wasn't forever. I think at the end of the day we both knew we were going to be the inspiration we needed to keep moving forward. Maybe a little more inspiration than we bargained for.

And maybe a little more forward than we bargained for, too.

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How College Changed My Relationships

Living three and a half hours home isn't always easy, a lot has changed.

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At eighteen years old I was still young and naive about leaving home. Athens, Ohio was going to be this wonderful place where I always had a good time and I would be unstoppable. Literally, unstoppable. How could anyone tell me what to do in my own dorm? That was my space... DUH. I have family in both Pennsylvania and Michigan so going to school seemed like no big deal to me. My mom and dad always packed us in the car to see family, to me three and a half hours didn't seem too far. Along with changes within myself, many personal relationships changed as well over the course of this year.

Mom, my number one fan and my gossip buddy was hours away from me! Of course, we talk on the phone, shoot each other texts and silly screenshots, but it's not the same. It can be difficult to maintain that "close as can be" relationship over the phone. I wouldn't consider myself to have gotten homesick until very far into the semester. There is nothing like your mom taking care of you when you're sick! Our time apart has only made our time spent together more special, our laughs a little louder, and our hugs a little tighter.

Ryan, leaving your BEST FRIEND behind made making new friends a little awkward. I felt like I was cheating on our friendship, we literally have tattoos for each other and now we have to make new best friends?!?! Our contact with each other would decrease and pick back up when one of us had something juicy to talk about. She was busy with school and soccer, and I with school and friends here. At the end of the day, we always knew we had each other back through thick and thin, that's how best friends are. We could understand that every minute we had couldn't be spent on the phone finding out what was going on hours away. I have to tell you though, there are always a few tears saying see you soon when we head back to school.

Tyler, going into college in a relationship was definitely a difficult road ahead for the two of us, but we cared enough for each other to take on that road together. The first ten months of our relationship were spent within 20 minutes of each other and most of those ten months we were by each other's side. By no means was it easy to not see you every day when had the freedom to do so over summer. As the months passed, times got easier and harder and we are still figuring out how to make the distance work. It's a whole different level of effort with a significant other. I hope for better and easier times, only the happiest future.

God, coming to school I wanted to reconnect with God and become more spiritual. I had looked at some options on campus but didn't make the time needed for the one person I should have. I regret this decision the most, which I rarely regret in life. College feels like I'm moving 100 miles an hour and I can't catch a break. There is a heavyweight I cannot lift on my own and the only guidance I can ask for at this moment is yours. I know that my change in relationship with you is the answer.

At the end of the day, I'm thankful for all this year has brought me. With summer coming I hope to spend quality time with those I love and let them know how much I appreciate them.

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