I’ve been an Angels fan since that string bean David Eckstein was playing shortstop. Granted, I was born in 1996, so I didn’t really understand the game until the early 2000s, but I’d like to think I’ve been an Anaheim Angels fan since birth.
I remembered that glorious year in 2002 when we demolished the Giants; that was pretty cool because I live in San Francisco where I am constantly surrounded by these kooky fans, and I love to rub it in their faces any chance I get. The only problem is that they ask me what happened in 2010, 2012, 2014 and probably 2016. And as I sat there, dumbfounded, I came to a realization that we kind of suck. I had a heart-to-heart with myself and developed a plan to get our Halos back on track to becoming the greatest of all time. This article is directed at Arte Moreno, Billy Eppler, Mike Scioscia and Jared Leto, just because I finished watching "Fight Club" for the eighth time today, and Jared is a complete stud.
First off, drop the “Los Angeles.” It was cute for a few months but y’all aren’t fooling anyone anymore. How confusing is it to say, “My favorite team is the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim who play in Anaheim, right next to the Anaheim Ducks, who also play in Anaheim but they don’t have Los Angeles in their name, but for some reason we are affiliated with Los Angeles.” Honestly, I don’t even know what I just typed; that’s how confusing the name is. I think if you revert back to the Anaheim Angels, we’ll start winning again. And don’t just take my word for it -- in 2002 we won the World Series as the Anaheim Angels…coincidence? I think not.
Secondly, we need to start investing in clone technology. We have the best baseball player in the history of the game, Mike Trout. Half man, half amazing. As Chris Traeger would say, “Mike Trout is literally the best center fielder I have ever seen.” We could capture his sweat and market it as Gatorade; call it Trout-ade, savage flavor. I’m thinking it would be very similar to MJ’s “Secret Stuff” in Space Jam, only this stuff would actually work. Aside from new marketing techniques to get more fans, we need to get in contact with the dudes at NASA and make nine carbon copies of Trout. We need him at third, short, second, catcher at the mound. Hell, I’d take him as the first and third base coach as well. We need more Trout.
The third key to success is simple: we have to find a way to get Jabari Parker on the Angels. I know, I know -- he’s a forward for the Milwaukee Bucks, how is he going to contribute to a major league baseball team? The simple answer: kid’s got hops, and it only makes sense for the best basketball player to compliment the best baseball player. Have you seen this guy dunk? It’s unreal. We could use that talent to start hopping over infielders as opposed to sliding by them. Sure, it’s an unorthodox approach to the game, but the amount of runs scored would go up by at least 33.33 percent. Trust me, I passed Elementary Statistics in college; I know what I’m talking about. And just look at the dunk! If MJ could do it, Jabari can definitely do it.
Lastly, you have got to get me season tickets. The fact that I’m not at these games is heart wrenching. I am such a vital asset to the organization's success; forcing me to watch these games on my microwave sized television is a crime. I’m just trying to break in my Trout Net, you know? Bottom line is, get me at these games.
I expect to start seeing some changes, Sciosia. Seriously, playoff ball should be a given at this point with the tremendous amount of talent we possess, and when I say talent I just mean Mike Trout.
