Back in January, after accidentally discovering that Snapchat video of you with her, my life fell apart. I felt pains I'd never felt before. A pain that I could only describe as being like disorienting TV fuzz. Or, like tiny, pinchy needles prodding my skin's soft tissue- plunging deep into my soul's firm foundation of faith in true love. I felt exposed, rubbed raw with the newness of betrayal. I'd never felt pain like that before... but, I digress.
We weren't necessarily dating… so I can't say you cheated on me. But, we definitely had something going for us. I remember the day you and I met up in the middle of the summer to eat burgers at this basic little diner near our school. Every other exchange of words we shared made my stomach crack and crumble; your words created countless earthquake inside me. I shook with sweet anticipation each time your lips parted to speak.
And, I still do. I still shake, break, and crumble at your words; failed promises, re-imagined you-with-her images, and bulls*it excuses seem to have the same effect on me as your kind words once did.
But, I forgave you. And even now, as I write this, I forgive you. My heart hides no hate for you in it. Actually, I love you more now than I loved you months ago. I love you more than the lies your lips spoke into my heart and I love you more than all the times you bailed on me. Recently, I've found myself wondering how to love you better and unfortunately for me (and maybe you) I think separating myself from you would be the best kind of love I could ever give you.
So, here I am, learning to love you from a distance.
In the six months since you chose to love her instead of me, I've made a few decisions. The first, and most important, decision made was about me; I decided to love myself. You helped me realize that no one will ever love me more than I love me. I haven't quite mastered the art of self-love yet, but the days since the Snapchat fiasco have brought me and self-love closer.
I'm happy to report that self-love and I are the best of friends now.
My newly formed friendship with self-love brought on a second decision- I wanted to love you correctly. I decided I wanted you to be happy and I wanted you to know self-love as I know it. I wanted you to plant yourself in a community of people who love you and care for you- I wanted you to grow. And you will. Without me.
Neither of us needs to keep choking on the weeds of our shared past.
We can't go back to random dinner dates, or late night phone calls, or shared pain. I can't accept your hugs as I used to, and I can't share certain thoughts with you like I want to. If there is nothing else I've learned about us, it's that we have so much growing to do- alone.
In the long run, this "love from a distance" thing will be best for us both. I will grow into the flower of a person I am destined to be and you will root and establish yourself in God, and in a community of people whose love you can accept. Maybe one day, we can reconvene our friendship but, until that day comes, I know it's best to stay apart.
The right thing to do is almost never the easy thing to do. But, no decision is ever difficult when made with loving intentions. I intend to set you free: not quite free to love her again... because you guys were not made for each other... but free to love yourself and free to love your life.
I will embrace this new love you from a distance thing because I know its the best thing for you. You are going to flourish in my absence. And, I promise you, ill do the same.
I love you, _____. Please don't forget it. I love you.