"For years mental health professionals taught people that they could be psychologically healthy without social support, that 'unless you love yourself, no one else will love you.' …The truth is, you cannot love yourself unless you have been loved and are loved. The capacity to love cannot be built in isolation." -Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D.
Feelings of inadequacy can be crippling. Despite these oppressive voices that convince a person that they are microscopic in value, there are almost always people who will love an individual in spite of that person's inability to love himself or herself. Feeling small does not equate to being small. Forget the notion that nobody is going to love you unless you love yourself first.
This cliché statement strives to make the claim that individuals should feel shamed if they battle feeling a sense of self-worth, insinuating that they truly are unworthy. It is suggestive of the idea that if self-love does not come easily to someone, it is because they have chosen to feel this way. Statements such as, "nobody is going to love you until you love yourself," are scare tactics. They are strategies that fail because you cannot force an individual to practice self-love.
It happens quietly — perhaps you’re at a party and feel obligated to leave because in your mind if anyone meets you they will automatically dislike you. You didn’t tell your friends that you felt unworthy of love, though, did you? Because you know that more often than not you will be pushed and told that it is your choice to accept yourself. You probably disregarded your departure as being a result of lack of sleep or because of a headache. You continue to further keep yourself in isolation because you cannot bear the overwhelming and paranoid thoughts that persist and tell you that those surrounding you will not tolerate your presence, sometimes this even occurs when it is someone who loves you.
Those who struggle with the ability to feel loved by others and the capacity to love themselves often are deeply aware. This means they notice everything — every detail, shift in attention, the rising and falling off someone's voice. It is quickly very apparent when somebody directs their attention onto somebody else in conversation as opposed to you. No matter how minor these changes may appear to others, it can easily be internalized as being contingent on your worth when feeling invaluable is a difficulty you face. These minor details shouldn’t mean anything to you, but your thoughts continue trying to convince you that you are unwanted.
Nobody would wish to live in a constant state of wondering if they are good enough for what life has to offer. Nobody would wish to always be seeking validation from others. If you are an individual who undergoes this battle, I understand. This does not in any way diminish who you are. Going through more can never make you less.
Too often we are told that we are only as strong as we appear on the outside, but this is simply untrue. In spite of the insecurities and daily struggles you face, you are worthy and deserving of love. It is more than acceptable to be expressive of negative emotions. Your loved ones will love you when you believe in yourself and they will love you when you need a stronger support system. Always remember you are enough. One day you will be at peace and learn how worthy you truly are.
