My dearest Paul,

I must start off with saying that I'm incredibly proud of you for your recent decision to retire as Speaker of the House.

You've finally located your spine.

When you first took on this role, I was sad that I'd no longer see John Boehner's poorly tanned, orange face behind the President, scowling as Joe Biden beamed like a proud dad ever time Barack spoke. Thankfully though, we have a new orange-faced scowler at the helm! What a relief!

I used to get lost in your blue eyes. I mean, come on, how could a girl not? Your wife is so lucky that she gets to stare into them every day.

You have truly left a legacy: a divided and extremely polarized House, multiple government shutdowns, and a party that seems to have complete lost it's identity because you and the President, who are supposed to be working together, can't seem to meet eye to eye.

I hope you take a page out of Barack's book and take a vacation. You deserve it! It's got to be absolutely exhausting to accomplish leaving a crucial branch of our government worse off than it was before.

My best advice: get a massage. Who knows what your spine has been up to these past few years. You definitely need to work out those knots.

All the best,

The House-flipping Hopeful