Throughout my almost 17 years of living, I have learned things that I feel I was too young to know and learn. By grade five, I learned about self-harm and forms of abuse done to oneself. In grade six, I learned the value of a life and how easy it was for someone so important to you to slip from you so quickly from their own self-hate. I have tried to keep friends alive, keep them from hurting themselves in grade eight. In grade 10, I felt the sorrow for a family member, who I had no idea wasn't OK and took her life. In my almost 17 years of living, I have lost two people that I have known personally to suicide.

In sixth grade, kids normally worry about fitting in, having good clothes and preparing for intermediate school. There are some, one I knew in particular, who worried about life and death. They worried about people noticing their scars and commenting on their lack of motivation, due to a mental illness they were too embarrassed to admit to. But she, just like anyone else who suffers through it, had no reason to be embarrassed.

The worst part about experiencing it so young was not knowing what to do or say. I didn't know how to help her. I couldn't completely understand what she needed to hear. Feelings are different for everyone and hers revolved completely around self-hate. She'd hurt herself, I'd cry and beg her to stop and she would for a moment. But she'd fall back into it again and we'd repeat this. I wish I knew more. I wish I could've helped her. I told her she was beautiful, but what if I had said it more? I didn't know it was to the point where she'd take her own life.

I don't put her to shame and I don't blame myself for her death. I do feel that I could have stopped her. I feel like I could've helped her more. I wish I told her how much meeting her, meant to me. But I think she knew. God, I hope she knew.

She was too young to lose her life. I was too young to watch her crumble. But it happened, and I wonder if she is happier. I wonder if she regrets it. I wonder what life would be like if she were still living. But I try not to dwell and blame myself for it. I still talk to her in my head, apologizing to her if I ever let her down or wasn't there for her enough. I wish she knew her worth the way I did.

Growing up, I've seen and heard more of it. You hear about people taking their lives on TV due to bullying, depression, and so much more. People think about how tragic it is, but experiencing it is far worse. No one has a good enough reason to hurt themselves or take their life. Life is so precious and we don't realize how many people don't believe that. They think they're better off dead. How would you feel if someone you loved felt that way? What if you felt that way? We need to support each other and lend a promising hand. We don't know what others are going through. Sometimes, the saddest of people are the ones that smile the most.

I had a cousin who was super smart. She had such a great life ahead of her after college and was a very successful and well-liked girl. She always had a smile on her face and laughed with us at family parties. I was never super close to her, but we both shared a loving interest in music and she was an amazing guitarist. I looked up to her playing, aspiring to play that well one day. She had a huge heart and was beautiful on the inside and out.

When I was told about her death, I was shocked. I couldn't fathom the whole thing, I didn't know that she wasn't OK. I didn't know she wasn't happy with her life. She had so much ahead of her and she was so loved and appreciated. Sometimes, it doesn't feel like that. I wish I could've helped her, given her one more reason to smile that beautiful smile, about life. I wish I could've laughed with her some more. Sure, we weren't super close, but she had an impact on me. I always looked forward to seeing and talking to her.

She was too young, too. All though I was older than grade six, the pain was just the same. When you see someone as often as you do, you don't realize how important their presence is to you until they don't come back. I still almost expect to see her at gatherings.

At her wake, there was a line out the door and around the funeral home. I remember thinking, "There are so many people here for her. She was so loved. I really hope she knew that." I wish every day that she knew. I don't know if she's where she wants to be right now. I don't know if she regrets it or not. I didn't know her story or the reasons she felt the way she did. I wonder about her all of the time. I wish every day that I could have helped her, even just a little bit. I would never blame her for her actions, nor would I blame anyone for being unaware. It was completely unexpected to my family.

What I am trying to get across is that suicide is still happening in today's world and it's a serious thing. It's not a selfish act. It's not a joke. It's not something to be taken lightly, or to pick on people for. It's not a joke to tell someone to kill themselves. As I said before, you never know what people are going through. The people that you hold closest to your heart could be going through things you never would've thought. I'm writing this to inform people about suicide and the impacts it can have.

Because of my losses, I have looked at life a bit differently. I will always try to drop everything to help people. I will never say anything that could trigger someone or hurt someone. I will always try to be there for people who need me. I will always love with every ounce I have because you never know if someone needs that love. I will do everything I wish I did for the two I have lost. I'll hope and pray that I'll never lose someone to suicide again.