If you know the pain of losing a parent, I want to say I'm sorry.

And I know you're probably tired of hearing that, but I truly am. From the bottom of my heart.

I lost my father in May of 2019, so a few months ago. It still feels like yesterday. He passed away unexpectedly in his sleep and it took my family and all of his friends by surprise. It is a pain that no one should ever feel. Much less, a 20-year-old girl who has no idea how to live the rest of her life without her father. It felt like I was living the same day, the same nightmare, over and over again for weeks. I still have moments where I completely forget what happened and reach for the phone to call him. I couldn't stop thinking about how my future husband and my future children will never get to meet the man that raised me, who shaped me into who I am, who taught me what love is. I couldn't stand the fact that I'd never get to hug him again, to hear his voice, to laugh with him, to hear him say "I love you. The day I lost my dad was the day that the world began to feel so much more dim.

Nothing compares to this pain. The pain of hearing the news, attending the funeral, visiting the grave. People will tell you that it's going to be okay and they'll tell you that it does get better. But it doesn't. There's no way around it. Losing a loved one is not easy. Losing a parent is far worse than heartbreak.

It doesn't get easier. You just find your new normal.

My world has been completely changed forever and it will never be the same. It hurts because people will slowly stop coming by to offer their condolences and bringing by meals, the phone calls will become fewer and farther between, and everyone else's lives keep going. And yet, I'm stuck. I'm stuck with this unbearable amount of grief and a missing piece of my heart. My world was turned upside down and the man who always gave me the best advice isn't here to help guide me through this next chapter of my life. I was faced with the fact that I need my dad now more than ever, but he's watching over me in Heaven, reunited with his sweet parents and his brothers.

My mother and my two sisters are the three strongest women I've ever met in my entire life. I wouldn't be able to get through this without them. We're all going through the worst time in our lives, but we're not going through it alone. Our family dynamic changed that day and as we try to work through it, we're finding the strength we never knew we had. Of course, it isn't easy. We're coping with our own grief while also taking care of one another. But we celebrate my dad's life together, share our favorite memories of him, cry together, laugh together, and most importantly, we're growing together. Although I'm dreading the upcoming "firsts" without my dad (like our first Thanksgiving, our first Christmas, his first birthday in Heaven), I find comfort in knowing that he's still here with me, holding my hand every step of the way.

The grief process is hard and there's no way to escape it. It varies from day to day and the process is not linear. One day, I feel like I'm doing alright. I'm able to talk about my dad without crying, I'm able to see the signs that he sends to me to show that he's still with me in spirit, and I feel like I'm doing the best that I can. The next day, it's hard to get out of bed, I feel like I'm drowning, and I can hardly get through the day without taking a few minutes to cry it out in the bathroom at work. And that's okay. I have to remind myself that it's completely normal for grief to come in waves. Some days are much harder than others but I know that I'm stronger than I was yesterday. And if you're going through this pain too, or have had to experience this pain at any point in your lifetime, I can assure you that you're much stronger now. You're much more stronger than you realize.

I am now living for my dad. I see his love shining from within my mother, I see his witty humor in one sister, and I see his endearing selflessness in the other. Every day, I see a different part of my dad peeking through each one of us. My dad was my family's entire world and he always will be. His unconditional love for his family was so admirable. He always wanted us to be happy above all else and would do everything in his power to make sure we were happy. I want nothing more in this world than to make my father proud.

I miss my dad more than I ever thought was humanly possible. I know that I'll always carry him in my heart and I want to be sure that I share my father's love with everyone I meet, because he certainly never met a stranger. If you knew my father, you knew that he made everyone feel like they were his best friend and always made sure that they were taken care of. It's such a beautiful thing to celebrate someone's life. I had no idea that my father had such a huge impact on so many people's lives, not just mine. I'm so grateful for all of the things that I learned from my dad. He taught me to see my self-worth, how to be a hard worker, to always reach for the stars, and so much more. I wouldn't be who I am today without my dad. He was the greatest father a girl could ever ask for. He will always be my sunshine.

If you have lost a parent, whether it was six months ago or six years ago, know that you're not alone. It hurts so very badly. You might think you can't get through it. But I promise that you can and you will. Offer yourself some grace. Take a deep breath. Be nice and spread love. We're all doing the best we can.