I was 18 years old and a senior in high school when I lost my mom to cancer. She was sick for as long as I could remember, but that did not make her death any easier. My sisters and I were playing softball that morning, just like any other weekend. When we got home, it became anything but.
Losing a parent is never easy. Losing anyone is never easy. When you lose a parent, it does not feel real because this isn’t how life is supposed to be. You realize you lost someone who brought you into this world and was supposed to help guide you through it.
For anyone who knows what this is like, and for anyone who has the luxury of not knowing, this one is for you. These are just some of the countless ways your life can change when you lose a parent:
Big events will sting.
My mom was not there to see me in my prom dress or graduate high school. She was not in the car when my family dropped me off at college for the first time.
She will not be there when I start my life after graduating college. She will never be able to help pick out my wedding dress and will never meet my husband or my children. Life somehow moves on without them, and that is one of the hardest things to accept.
Grief doesn’t hit you all at once.
When you lose a parent, you don’t fall apart the second they stop breathing. It will come in bits and pieces. You’ll see an empty chair at the dinner table or hear a certain song or remember a piece of a memory, and you will feel everything all over again.
You learn to appreciate family.
I can’t thank my family enough for helping us through this. My dad and my sisters have had to lean on each other more than ever before and we became closer because of it. Their strength inspires me.
Your family is the only ones who know exactly what you are going through. They step in when they are needed the most. The stories and memories will help keep your parent’s spirit alive. Look to them for strength and guidance.
People do not know what to say.
“Sorry” becomes numb after you have heard it hundreds of times. You might hear “I understand what you’re going through.” I almost laugh at this one. Unless you have lost a parent yourself, you have absolutely no idea what I am going through. I’ve also heard, “They’re in a better place now.” My dad was told that once and he replied back, “You’re wrong. The best place she could be is here with my family.”
Even worse is when you meet people for the first time, and you have to tell your story over and over again. Cue the sympathy look.
There will be hard days.
Certain days will kill you: Christmas, Thanksgiving, their wedding anniversary, their birthday, and of course the anniversary of their death. But time heals all things. It may just be a normal day until you see or hear something that reminds you of them, and it takes everything in you to feel that pain inside and keep pushing on.
You feel guilty.
You think, “I should have spent more time with them” or “I should have asked more questions.” You replay moments with them over and over. You feel guilty for enjoying yourself after their death; you feel selfish. You might start to laugh and catch yourself and ask, “Do I deserve to be happy right now?” But you have to accept that they would not want you to put your life on hold for them. They would not want you to be sad or guilty for feeling happiness, for feeling what you’re supposed to feel.
Jealousy.
You’ll see kids who have both parents and feel a sense of resentment--of jealousy. Your friends will complain to you about how “annoying” their parents are, and it will take everything in you to not make a comment about how lucky they are to even have them around. Just like anything in life, this too shall pass.
You’ll feel jealous that you will never have another conversation with that person again. You’ll never get to complain about your day, to cry with them, to hug them, or to see them in person ever again. Jealousy is nothing to be ashamed of.
Pictures and videos are bittersweet
They will be one of the most helpful and most heartbreaking ways to help you cope. Look at them often, and never let them go.
***
Through this process, I have learned a lot about myself. I’ve learned to be strong, but I have also learned how to let go. I can’t hold it together all the time, and that’s okay. I have learned to depend on other people, which was very difficult for an independent person like me, who kept all of her emotions and thoughts inside.
Losing a parent is something no one should have to go through, but life happens and there is not a lot we can do about it. Moving on does not mean forgetting; it means living your life and making them proud. And I know now, even two years later, that my mom is watching over my family and could not be more proud of us.
