I was only 6 years old when it happened. When you’re so young and these things happen , as weird as this may seem, you don’t get that sad or upset. I don’t think that I personally completely understood just what kind of effect losing my father would have on me growing up and on my future in its entirety.

Everyone is bound to lose their parents eventually, as sad as that is to think about, but there are the rare occurrences when people lose a parent before even really getting to appreciate them or even truly get to know them.

One of the things you have to do when you lose a parent at a young age is you have to explain it to other kids. They don’t really understand either, as most just assume that you have both parents. Some kids get upset while others can be insensitive. Growing up this never really bothered me. Over the years I had come to understand that what happened to my Dad wasn’t something that was very common to other people my age. I eventually had to learn that although the permission slip said “Ask your mom and dad for permission” that it wasn’t necessary for me to ask the teacher what I was going to do if I couldn’t get my dad’s permission. I had to learn that when everyone was making father’s day cards in class, that I was going to have to make something else along with them. I had to learn very early on in my life that life isn’t always picture perfect.

I was never one to care about when someone was bad mouthing their own dad, though I know that can upset some people in my situation. Everyone gets mad sometimes, and that doesn’t mean that they don’t appreciate or love their parent. The only time that other people talking about their parents bothered me was when they’d finish talking about theirs and then say something along the lines of “How about your dad?” It’s not so much that it upset me to talk about, it’s more like it makes the other people uncomfortable. To this day I dread having the conversation where someone I'm getting to know or an acquaintance asks about my dad and I am forced to explain.

What people don’t understand, in most cases, is that talking about it doesn’t make me uncomfortable at all. When you have already grieved and are living with the fact every day, it kind of tends to roll off the tongue a bit easier than people expect. Once I say “oh he passed away,” in response to someone, there’s the ever-present awkwardness that follows as I can see in the other person eyes that they immediately regret asking their question. I am honestly still working on a good reply to this interaction. Another thing I have learned is that people get very uncomfortable talking about it because they do not want to upset me. It is a sensitive topic for other people, and just because I have grown a thick skin about it does not mean that other people have.

No matter how casually I can talk about it or bring it up, there are still times that I get upset thinking about it. No matter how many years pass there will never be a time where really thinking about it doesn’t make me upset. I think the times that it hits me the most is seeing things that I will never be able to experience that people get to experience every day. Just watching my friend’s dads goof around, be coaches for sports teams, or cook dinner can sometimes strike a cord with me. These aren't things I don’t like to think about though- I’d like to think that if my dad was still here that he’d be doing all of these things. He’d see me go to prom, graduate high school, pick a college, and even transfer colleges. One day he would have seen me graduate college, move out, and would have walked me down the aisle.

I always think about what would be different in my life if he was here. Probably a lot. His advice probably could have helped me in a lot of situations. I’d like to know what he thinks about a lot of things I've done and decisions I've made. What I'm sure of is that he would always support me; I know he loved me so much. Sometimes I think that there’s no point in thinking about what would be different considering that it would never happen, but I like thinking about my dad. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I love him and will always love him. Thinking about him can make me sad but it has the power to make me happy. I was lucky to have him for the time that I did no matter how short it was. I think losing a parent makes you appreciate what you have a lot more: I am lucky to have my mom, I am lucky to have my friends, and I am lucky to have the life that I do.

I keep my dad in my heart always, and will always believe that he is watching over me.