One of the scariest things about living with an undiagnosed mental illness is that sometimes, you're not even sure you actually have anything wrong at all. You’ve spent so long just trying to convince yourself that everything is normal, that you don't even realize you stopped breathing. No matter how many articles you read or videos you watch about mental illness, you don't ever really feel like you know whats “wrong” with you until someone else says it for you. I remember the first time I saw a counselor, I was in college, I was having a hard time adjusting, I blamed it on my anxiety, my fear of making friends, my disappointment in myself for not being able to take the classes I wanted. There were a lot of factors in college that pulled on my anxiety.
What I didn't realize about having anxiety, is that more frequently than not, it comes paired with this little thing called depression, and when I mean little, I really mean huge black cloud that followed me around on the most sunshiny days. I knew it was a good day, I knew I was supposed to be happy, I knew I was lucky to have what I had, but I couldn't alter my mood. “You’re just in a funk.” “Stop worrying so much.” “Stop being so negative.” “Smile more and you'll make more friends.” The thing is, its hard to smile when you're stuck in your own head, worrying about things that honestly, shouldn't matter. It’s hard to smile when you have to force yourself to try and sleep, knowing that you'll regret the decision to not get to bed early when you’re stuck forcing yourself out of bed the next morning.
The biggest struggle of living with undiagnosed anxiety and depression is that people like me, don't have a medication to take that helps us regulate our feelings. We feel everything, all at once. Exhaustion from not sleeping through the night, ever, which leads to more exhaustion the next morning, which leads to making the decision to skip that 8:30 class, but then you think, if I don’t make it to class, I’ll fail, maybe the teacher won't take attendance today, how many classes have I already skipped? Can I skip one more? Maybe if I email the professor and tell them I’m sick it will be excused. Don't bother getting out of bed, you'll never make it to class on time now anyway, just sit here and stare at the ceiling. Maybe someone will text me to get breakfast. No one wants to get breakfast with you. You're not even fun to be around, look at you. Just sit in bed all day, skip all your classes, maybe tell your professors you need a mental health day. Will they believe that? Is that a good enough lie? They won'treport me to campus security, will they? They won't think I’m crazy, will they?
This is a battle I listened to every day in college.
Sometimes I think about seeing a real doctor and going on medication, not just seeing the free school counselor who kind of diagnoses you through some quick Q&A like “do you struggle to get out of bed” or “do you worry about things that aren’t currently happening”. After college, I seriously considered seeing someone, even my counselor from school suggested I see someone after graduation so I could “make strides” in recovering or “getting a handle on” my mental illnesses, but I have recently chosen against it. I watched a video of a girl explaining the process of seeing a doctor, beginning, middle and end (although there never really is an end when it comes to a mental illness), and what I learned was that, medication sounded really terrifying to me. The thought of feeling “foggy” or unlike myself, just wasn't something I felt like I wanted to experience yet. I’m sure one day, maybe when I’m older, I may try it out and find out the severity of my daily struggles, but for now, I’ll stick to being me, and all of me, no matter how crazy it may make me feel.
