I would like to start this off by saying that I am not writing this because I seek anyone's sympathy, or because I expect (or want) anyone to change their behavior towards me. In fact, I hope that you see me no differently. As someone who has often wondered why people post about their struggles with mental illness online, I'm honestly surprised that I'm writing this at all. Nevertheless, I am doing it because in this turbulent past week, it is now more than ever important that everyone knows that no matter who they are, there always is and will be someone to fight for and with them, and to understand above all that they are not alone. It has been suggested to me that I write as a therapeutic outlet, so I hope that this might be helpful to everybody involved. :)

Those of you close to me might know that after a long October of symptom manifestation, I was formally diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder this past week. These past couple of months, my friends have watched me sit and pick at heaping plates of my favorite foods, lose my appetite after 3 bites of a meal, and go entire days without eating a thing. Of course, for those who know me and know how much I love to eat, this is quite an alarming development. I was personally okay with the situation, as my appetite can sometimes be insatiable, but this I believe was the main reason why friends had individually pushed me to get evaluated. At first I had hoped that this change was a result of physical illness, seeing as how I'd had an ear infection in early October. But that ear infection came and went, yet some of these newfound symptoms still remained. I still wake up every morning with nausea, and I throw up the majority of mornings when I wake up, even if I have barely eaten anything. This specific symptom has led more than one health professional to ask me if I could be pregnant (Right...), but apart from that, there seemed to be no physical explanation.

The next symptoms to develop were the nightmares. As someone who vividly remembers every dream I have, I have been blessed to live the majority of my life with hardly any nightmares. The first time I woke up screaming at around four in the morning, I thought at first that even that was just a dream. Thankfully, I don't normally get nightmares every single night, but when I do, it can take me awhile to fall back to sleep; especially when I'm alone. The nightmares vary in topic, but they are always something quite scary: in one of them I witnessed a terrorist attack, another was about a violent murder. The worst ones are the ones that are nightmares and flashbacks all in one. I get flashbacks sometimes too during the day, but these usually are thankfully less intense than the nightmares.

Another change I had started to notice (and which I've talked about before) was (is) my decreased range/ability to feel emotion. Again, everyone who knows me knows that I am definitely the emotional type. Songs, movies, even a sentence in a book could cause me to tear up or (Such as in the case of Finding Dory), full on sob. This coupled with my non-appetite were perhaps the most stark of the changes. It has still been three months to the exact day I write this since the last time I cried, which for me has got to be a lifetime record. Not for any reason at all, not for any emotion. I can honestly say that I have not felt any strong sadness, anger, guilt, or anything similar for three months - this coming from the person who has cried over cartoon bees (long story). There are certain areas that I avoid like the plague whenever I go home because they remind me, but even this doesn't cause emotion on the level I used to feel it.

When I heeded the advice of my concerned friends and finally went to get checked out, the counselor cried when I described my past month (Seems like everybody is crying but me!). When the doctor said "PTSD", I felt for a moment like I was in another dream. I had Googled my symptoms and the term was on my radar, but having to hear it aloud forced me to accept that I really was not "ok" - at least, not yet. Less than three days later, I was matched with a therapist whom I am now seeing weekly. I've been warned that the road ahead will be difficult, but based on what I have been told, this type of PTSD is not lifelong and will go away with time and therapy (since I have refused to take medication). I will be okay. I'm positive of that. :)

I have been doing everything possible to think about and enjoy all the positive things in my life, and thankfully, there are many. I have, as I have told my therapist, an absolutely incredible support network here in DC. The level of care and concern my friends here have for me is something that, under usual circumstances, I would probably cry over. You have all been doing amazing at not allowing me to isolate myself, of forcing me to eat, and just generally being supportive of me in this newest adventure of life, even when I'm sure it's inconvenient for you. The one emotion I do seem to feel is love, and I love all of you endlessly. There are so many other positive things as well that I try my best to take advantage of. Right now, one of these is the beautiful fall foliage - I walk around campus and hang out on the quad as often as I possibly can just to enjoy it. Just being outside can have a shocking effect on your overall mood, especially for a lover of autumn like me. When being outside is not attractive, I play piano. I discovered and learned to play completely on my own, so I have always felt a certain liberating sensation whenever I sit down on that bench. And of course, there is always travel, which is my fire and passion. My summer was blessedly full of travel, and I am endlessly looking forward to my next adventure.

I know that not everybody is as lucky as me. Some people have much more violent flashbacks, some don't have an amazing support network, some may not have the outlets that I have. This is why I felt prompted to write this. It certainly is not easy admitting that something has affected you, and it is just as hard watching it happen to someone you love. After recent national events have caused some people to feel like they are unwanted or afraid, I want you all to know that I can and will be there for you. Please don't think that because I'm facing this disorder that you can't talk to me about your own struggles. I'll listen, and I'll care. Our most powerful defense is to learn to love in the face of hate and hardship. Love will get us through it, whether it's PTSD or senseless hatred.

I repeat: Love will get us through it.