It's not easy.
It's not easy to live with absolutely no strength or will to take care of your responsibilities or no desire to do the things you love. It's not easy to live in constant fear of what will happen if you don't do this or that simply because you can't. It's not easy to plaster a fake smile across your face and pretend like your entire world isn't crumbling around you. It's not easy to resist the urge to end your own life. Living with anxiety is not easy; living with depression is not easy. Living with both is a nearly unbearable nightmare, but it's possible.
I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression nearly 10 months ago. Since then, I've been prescribed medications by an incredible doctor who has supported me throughout some of the worst times of my life. I've been through therapy with a wonderful mental health professional who showed me how to identify my triggers and how to cope with and/or prevent panic attacks, but no matter how much help I received I was still fighting every day to overcome two invisible illnesses. And that was when I realized that I can't rely solely on other people to help me.
Like so many other illnesses, anxiety and depression have no cure, only management. There is no simple solution--herbal, pharmaceutical, or otherwise. I myself was under the misguided impression that drugs and talk therapy would magically make all of the anxiety and sadness that I felt disappear, then I came to the realization that I have a disease--a disease that I had managed on my own until it spiraled out of control. Even with the aides of treatment, I still struggle with the symptoms of both illnesses daily, but what the imbalanced chemicals in my brain don't know is that I have learned how to help myself. I have learned how to safely and effectively bring myself down from a panic attack and continue about my day rather than secluding myself to my room and abandoning all plans and goals because I've expended the energy necessary to complete them. I've literally changed my thought process to view every struggle, no matter how small, as a mere bump in the road rather than a massive sinkhole that I can't even begin to figure out how to cross. I've taught myself to stop biting my nails and my cheeks as coping mechanisms because I have finally accepted that I am ill. I am ill beyond my control. My body and my mind have seemingly betrayed me, but this body is my only body and I will love it and nourish it to the very end of its existence.
But before I could learn how to live with my anxiety and depression, I had to survive it. I understand now that I'm very fortunate to have overcome the lowest of my lows because too many people remain undiagnosed and fall victim to these deadly diseases. In response to suicide attempts and/or completion, I constantly hear people make remarks such as, "Why couldn't they have just asked for help?" or "Why would they abandon such a great life?" The answers to those questions are not simple. Many people who suffer from a mental illness believe that they are beyond help and suffocate beneath the weight of the stigma surrounding it and the widespread belief that we can just "get over it," and no matter how glamorous or fulfilling someone's life may seem, you will never know the absolute chaos raging inside their head. For these people, for someone like me, ending the constant pain and shame and grief and agony seems like the most plausible solution, but it doesn't have to be. You exist on this planet for a reason. You don't have to know what that reason is, but you should know that your being has very much been earned. You have as much of a right to exist as any other creature, and you should own that existence. Be loud, take up space, demand to be acknowledged, take a breath of fresh air, leave your mark, live--just live. Exist first. Everything else is secondary.
It's not easy to view yourself as a human being with inherent value when anxiety and depression have consumed you. It's not easy to appreciate your best qualities when you look in the mirror and see someone you hate staring back at you. It's not easy to be happy when your own brain can't even drum up the emotion. It's not easy living with anxiety and depression, but it is manageable. It gets better--life gets better, and you will, too.
