What would you do if you were 13 years old and woke up, not to birds chirping and the smell of bacon on the stove, but to the sound of your mom crying hysterically at the bottom of the steps? What would you do, then, if, for a very long year and a half, you had to watch your best friend lose their ability to think clearly, walk, talk, and eventually breath?
Thankfully, for most people, this is just a nightmarish scenario. But for me, it was reality.
On September 21, 2011, I came downstairs to find my mom crying. It wasn't just any cry though; it was a hard, vicious cry. It turned out that my parents had been running at the track, when suddenly my dad lost his train of thought and any thought at all. He was not able to form sentences and speak. His words just all came out a jumbled mess of mumbles. They immediately came home; that's when my mom began crying.
Originally, she feared that my dad was having a stroke, but the actual diagnosis, we would discover, was much worse. We rushed him to the closest hospital to find out exactly what was wrong. My dad went for a CT scan and an MRI, while my mom, sister and I sat in the waiting room. When he went off for the scans, the stroke team had been at his bed side. But when he returned, they were gone. The ER doctor gave us the diagnosis, and in that moment, sitting in the waiting room, my life changed forever.
My father was diagnosed with a stage four glioblastoma.
In non-medical terms, this is a really bad brain tumor. I’ll save you the gory details, but in short, the next year and a half for my family was hell. We watched as my father slowly wilted away. He would undergo 14 craniotomies, including five surgeries where a piece of his skull was removed in order to get to the tumor. He lost his ability to move, first in the right side of his body, then in the left, and he continued to lose motor function until he could no longer breathe. When he died on December 10, 2012, I was 15, just starting high school. The time that my dad was alive and ill was terrible, but I would soon find that the worst part was yet to come-- learning to live without him.
Now, I could write this entire article about me and my struggle through the death of my dad. But, instead, I want to help whoever may be going through a situation like this one. Whether it is a parent or another close family member, losing someone important changes your entire existence on this earth. Going through something like this is one of the hardest, if not the hardest, thing you will ever do. People will say the pain will go away with time. But they’re wrong; the pain will be there for your entire life, and you will always have a void in your heart that can never be replaced by anyone or anything. You simply learn to live with what has happened.
Figuring out how to live in this way is very difficult, though. Everyone deals with tragedy differently. My way of getting through it, for example, was keeping all of my feelings inside. I never let that emotional side of me show because I felt that I needed to demonstrate to my mom, sister, and everyone else around me that I was strong enough to take the loss. I wanted them to be able to heal themselves and not worry about me. This method has worked for me so far in various ways, but, more times than not, it takes a terrible turn for the worse.
When her mom passed, my girlfriend tried this same approach. And it worked for a while, for about three-plus years. But when she got to college, all of the emotions she had pent up inside came out. She suffered heavily from anxiety, depression and low self-esteem. All of these things were treated, but of course they are not yet completely gone from her life, even after countless hours of counseling.
While going through this struggle, times may get hard. There may be points when you feel like you’re not making any progress. But it is important to remember that you are not alone. So, you must keep going. Keep pushing. And ask for help. Opening up to someone is never a bad thing. Talk to a parent, sibling, relative, close friend or even your dog! It will help, especially in the long run.
When it comes to opening up, though, you must also be patient. There is a good chance that the person you’re opening up to hasn’t gone through the same thing that you have, and, even if they did, they may have experienced it differently. So, it is OK if they are not able to relate completely to what you’re feeling or experiencing in your life. Take me for instance: for a good year after my dad died, there was not a single person in my life that had ever been in my situation. All of my friends had their parents and family members. It was weird for me, and it will likely be weird for you too.
That's what happens when you try to find your new normal. No matter what you do though, do not allow yourself to become completely isolated. Sure, there will be times when all you want to do is be alone, and that is okay, but at the same time you should get out and do things that will take your mind off your current struggles. Also, remember that learning to live this new life will not happen overnight. You have to keep working towards it every single day. In the end, this kind of attitude will help you to finally find a new normal.
