Having lost both of my parents by the age of 21 (I am now 22), I experienced the heartache that a majority of people my age have not. My mother passed away four and a half years ago and my father just four and a half months ago. They both died because of cancer. My mom’s fight was long and strenuous, and my dad’s seemed to be short and much more powerless. Cancer, I can honestly say, is the worst thing to exist, because it literally eats at and destroys lives.

The thing was that I had an excellent relationship with my mother and an absolutely awful one with my father. The pain remains the same and only got deeper once my father was gone, however, the pain and longing for just one more hug or one last conversation with my mother is what rings so strongly throughout my being. It does not matter the relationship you have to those you lost; if it is a parent, you love them just the same.

Losing a parent at a young age makes you grow up incredibly fast. My dad was an absolute wreck after my mom was gone, and someone had to be the glue to hold our family together (maybe not monetarily, but emotionally). I had to make sure the bills were paid and that we were able to eat. The distraught mindset my dad carried ate him alive in the end. I chose to give up my lifelong dream to go away to UConn after attending for one because I was worried my twin brother who has special needs wasn't going to be taken care of and I needed him.

I caught all of the sh*t for the four years I spent with solely my dad, because who else was he to blame for losing the love of his life? Not cancer. Not God. Not life. Just his 17-21-year-old daughter who lost her best friend, just like him. I always resented him for that, and looking back, I am pretty sure he resented me for being the spitting image of my beautifully driven and incredible mother. Now, I am living entirely on my own with some support from family. (Should out to my Gram who helped put a down payment on a new set of wheels for me!) Everything took this 360-degree turn I wasn't quite ready to handle but had to because not too many people are here to save me anymore.

My mother was my everything. I never had a better and more reliable friend. Throughout high school, she was the only person I wanted to stay up talking about stupid high school gossip and watching romantic comedies with while drinking tea. I appreciated, this time, more than anything and wish I could just have one more day. I faced a lot of issues once she passed. I felt abandoned and that I could trust no one. I spent much of my time alone (as much as I could when sharing a small dorm room). I am slowly on track to building myself again as someone much more independent, though my father’s death was a major setback. I am a work in progress, as most 22-year-olds are.

The holidays are so mind-blowingly difficult, especially these past ones. Watching all of your peers celebrating the holidays with Christmas trees with gifts overflowing underneath hurts a lot more than it should. I should be grateful for what I have, but it’s hard sometimes to see past that envy. Family members and those close enough to you try to compensate, but this is by no means even close to being the same (but thanks so much, everyone I appreciate all that you do). The jealousy of all those who have their parents to celebrate the holidays with is unreal; it kills me to see. I cannot wait to be able to have my own family one day, just to have the opportunity to provide for them what I am deprived of now.

My parents shaped my early life though I wish they were there to see me through my transition into the "real world". I hope they can see who I am becoming and are proud from wherever they are. They shaped me and showed me that not only do I have to care for my children and love them unconditionally (I learned this from my mom more so than my dad), but also that I have to take care of myself because your health is just as important. The vices we take on at an early age like drinking or smoking excessively can take a toll on us later in life, which can and will affect our future generations. I never want to see my future children go through what I did.

The pain of becoming an orphan of sorts (for lack of a better term) does not become any easier, just more manageable. I know there are some heart-wrenching milestones ahead, like graduating college and getting married without my best friend there to help me along the way. The idea of picking out a wedding dress alone shatters my heart. Friends and family will always try to fill the void, but it never will be enough. Make sure to never take the seemingly stupid time your parents and family bonding experiences for granted, because once it expires, that is all you'll ever want back. Be grateful if you have loving parents who are still with you because in the end they are the only ones you've really got.