After something traumatic happens to you, the trauma itself and the days following are the easy part. For those who have never experienced something traumatic you probably think I sound like a lunatic, but stay with me here. You have people reaching out to you to make sure you are OK and to let you know that you are loved. Again, that’s the easy part. The hard part is the weeks, months and years to come where people start to forget. They forget not what happened, but just how substantial it is to a human being. They forget what physical damage it does to the brain. When something traumatic happens, it is not just in your past, but it is in your everyday. It affects how you think, act, communicate and view this world. It becomes easier to handle, yes, but that doesn’t mean it goes away.
I was only in nursing school for a year and a half, but people need to understand first and foremost that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is not a mental illness; it is a psychological injury. The hippocampus experiences atrophy (shrinkage), and what is important about the hippocampus is that it deals with our memories. Essentially, damage to this is debilitating the job of separating past and present memories. We also have the amygdala in the brain. For you non-science majors, this helps us process emotions and controls fear responses. After a trauma occurs, activity becomes increased in the amygdala. Now, I am sure you have heard of “triggers” when it comes to people with PTSD. Well, that is because the ventromedial prefrontal cortex shrinks. This region regulates negative emotions that occur when confronted with specific stimuli. There is also increased blood flow to the prefrontal cortex after a trauma. This will then result in an increase in more sorrow and anger. PTSD is a real injury, not a political or social opinion.
People with PTSD did not ask for the things they have been through, and they certainly did not ask their mind to paint and repaint pictures from the trauma. So, things like “move on” or “let it go” is extremely invalidating and hurtful. There is a huge difference between general anxiety and anxiety associated with PTSD. Having experienced both, general anxiety is the fear of what could happen or what could go wrong, but when you suffer from PTSD, telling us that “most of the things you worry about will never happen” is very confusing to digest. The things I have worried about or had anxiety over have happened. It is about remembering, not worrying.
For anyone who knows what I have been through I ask this of you.
1. Be patient with me.
2. Don’t personalize my behavior when I explode or become quiet.
3. Realize I have very unpredictable highs and lows, good and bad days.
4. Know that I still love and care about you very much – I have lost many people because of this experience, and if you are still in my life, it is because I want you there.
But under no circumstances should you do this.
1. Call me crazy.
2. Say that it is all in my head.
3. Assume you know what I am going through.
4. Tell me to suck it up or get over it.
Sometimes I feel like things would be so much easier if I had a physical scar branded on my forehead. Maybe then, people would believe that what I am going through is real. To have your suffering not recognized is almost as unbearable as the trauma itself. Guess what, society? PTSD is a normal reaction to extreme trauma, just as bleeding is a normal reaction to being stabbed. The fact is that I get up out of bed every day. I am involved with school, my sorority, Greek life as a whole and giving back to the community. That's how I am viewed! I live with PTSD. I am alive. That is how I will be remembered that, despite the million things that have hurt me in my life, I am still smiling and still fighting!
To all of those who have walked out of my life because of what I am dealing with, I am sorry. I am sorry I drove you to that point, and it breaks my heart every day. I never wanted it that way. But, what you failed to see was that this doesn’t define me. My strength and courage does. I am starting over and healing myself. I am not broken. I am not destroyed. I am just deciding who I want to be now.
