Anger, hatred, disgust, heartbreak. All of the words that describe what it is like to live with someone who is destroying you. The words that describe the feelings of someone you love being consumed by alcoholism.
You are angry because they were supposed to be stronger than the bottle. Anger takes a hold of you because they were supposed to be the person who was always there. To love you unconditionally and be there for all of the big moments in life. To "threaten" the boy who took you on your first date. To giving you your first car. To crying as you went off to college because their baby is growing up. To walking you down the aisle when you get married, and everything in between and after. Anger because you know they won't be there for any of it.
The hatred for making you feel angry and hopeless and heartbroken. Hatred for choosing the release of the drink over you every time. Hatred because they chose to leave you and didn't hesitate to do so.
The feeling of disgust because you are the one that has to clean up their messes after they are passed out on the couch while the water was left running in the bathroom. Disgust because you are the one who has to tell your siblings it will be okay as they see the man who is supposed to be a support system crumble under the weight of the bottle. Disgust because no matter how many times they have been told they need help, they never listen. Only get defensive and yell at you for "saying such cruel things" as they press another drink to their lips.
Feeling heartbroken because the person you knew before is gone and they are not coming back. Heartbreak because as much as you try to save them from drowning you can't because they are not looking to be rescued. Heartbreak because a daughter will never know her father. Heartbreak because you will never know why you were not good enough for them to want to be saved. Heartbreak because all of the milestones a father is supposed to be there for he won't be because the bottle has taken him away. Heartbreak because the man you knew as a child, your idle, is dead even if he only lives 30 miles away.
After they are gone and you are not living with the enemy you will begin to heal. In small ways at first then in larger ways. You will lose the feeling of dread upon waking up in the mornings. You will smile more and it won't be forced. You won't lose the heartbreak but you will learn to live with it. You may never fully understand but you will learn to accept that. You will come out as a stronger, more stable person because you know how you do not want to end up. At the end of the healing you will feel braver, stronger, and more prepared to handle the cruel way life sometimes is. Once you have healed you will better understand that they will have to face their own demons alone. You will learn that you can't save someone who doesn't see that they need help.
