As a young woman with fairly significant anxiety, I want to share what I go through on a daily basis. It’s important to keep in mind that I am on medication that does help immensely. Before, there were times I would avoid going out because the thought of just seeing other people was too much for me. Thanks to medication and therapy, I haven’t missed class solely because of my anxiety since last April, but it is still an everyday struggle to survive in this world.
If I wake up and the sun is already shining through the window, my breath catches in my throat instantly. What time is it? Am I late? Did I have something that I was supposed to do early today? I sit up and check the clock, assuring myself that I’m fine. If I had been expected to be up before ten, I would have set an alarm.
I get out of bed and pick out my outfit, the whole time very careful not to catch a glimpse of myself without clothes on. My own body disgusts me, so much so that I won’t look at it, even to dress or shower. After putting clothes on, I stare critically at myself in the full-length mirror, trying to decide how others will see me. Am I too fat? Is the neckline too low? Do the colors clash? If I’m wearing only dark colors, will people think I’m sad? But if I wear bright colors, they might tell me I’m an eye sore. Often, I ask a friend to make sure that what I’m wearing is acceptable to go out in, and then I move on to makeup. And the process repeats. If I do really bold eyes, they might think I’m a whore. If I have really pale lips, they may call me out on being too springy when it’s winter. Is everything blended well enough? I don’t want any laughing because there are lines on my face that I forgot to blend with the rest of it. Again, I often take a selfie and send it to a friend with the caption “Is this good?” because getting an opinion that isn’t my own makes me feel so much more confident.
About half an hour before my class, I leave the apartment to start my day. After checking at least three times to make sure I have my textbooks, my homework, and any other necessities to get through the day, I let my roommates know I’ll see them later and go to class.
I get to class at least twenty minutes early every day. It’s only a ten-minute walk, or five-minute drive, depending on where I’m trying to get to, but I always leave half an hour early. My fear of being late forces me to do this because being so early that I’m there before the teacher is better than being the last one and being stared at as I walk in. I learned years ago that it’s best to bring a book to all my classes because it gives me something to do while I wait.
When class does start, I can only describe it as a mixture of not wanting to be looked at or spoken to, and a fear that if we do group work, nobody will want to work with me. I take notes vigorously, trying not to invite any sort of interruption from my writing, and because of this, I get pretty decent grades. Paying attention in class is one of the easiest things for me to do.
For lunch, I go back to my apartment. I could eat on campus for free from a pre-paid meal plan set up by my family, but there are too many people there. It’s loud, and crowded, and impossible to avoid unwanted attention by either the people who work there or other students. It’s almost guaranteed that I won’t know anybody, which means I have to choose between sitting alone or with strangers, and in the end, I would much rather just go home and make a sandwich. After lunch, the pattern of the morning starts again.
After class, I often drag my roommate into my car and we go to the store. I try not to go shopping alone. Especially if I’m not familiar with the store, I do my best to bring a friend along just to ask for help if I need it. There are days when I have no problem walking up to an employee and saying, “Hey, where do you keep spices?” but other days, I would rather wander the store for hours looking on my own than ask for help. To be safe, having a friend is a good idea.
In the evening, I occasionally do household chores. Even though I’m comfortable living with my roommates, there are some things (cooking, dishes, anything that I’m not absolutely confident that I can do) that I just can’t bring myself to do while they watch me. Because of this, I wait until nobody is around or it just can’t wait to be done anymore. Once I’m satisfied that the apartment is in order, I sit in my bed and read until I fall asleep.
The entire adventure starts again tomorrow.
