To myself,
Hey. It’s me. I mean it’s you. I mean… you know what I mean.
I can see that you’ve been feeling pretty down lately. You’ve been carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, your mind has been anything but calm. I should ask, “who are you?” I should say that this isn’t you, that you’re losing yourself in this stress, that it’s morphing you into someone you’re not. But this is you. This may not be a part of you that you want to own or embrace, but it’s you. It’s me.
Because who are you at your worst is still you.
And because of that fact, though hard as it may be, I will continue to love you. I will love me.
I will be the one to give you what you need, even when it’s not what you want. I will lecture you to no end: “get your ass out of bed, go distract your mind, fill your day.” I will be the voice that urges, no, demands, that you make the best of your days during this time. I will pull you from beneath the blankets and force a fake smile on your face until it becomes real. I will make you go out with your friends on a Friday night, when all you want to do is stay home and dwell on your problems. I will be the person you want to push away but can never escape. You will want to hate me for forcing you to be strong, but you won’t.
Because through it all, I will continue to love you. I will love me.
And some days, I will give in. I will come to your rescue and let you sit on the bathroom floor and cry for an hour. I will let you eat stupid amounts of ice cream and not shower all day long. I will let you skip class to get those few hours of sleep you missed last night when your mind wouldn’t shut down. I will give you permission to drive home and hang out with your mom all weekend. I will give you some rest, I will let you be weak. And you'll be grateful for these days.
And through it all, I will continue to love you. I will love me.
I will understand the words that never escape your mouth, the ones you’re too afraid to speak to another soul. I will be the one to silence the screaming match you’re having with me in the confines of your head. I will laugh at your jokes when they are the only thing to bring a smile to your face. I will be the one to tell you that you’ve been here before, and I will remind you that as sure as the moon will light up the sky tonight, you will get through this again.
And even when the days of being this version of you turn into weeks, I will continue to love you. I will love me. When you think you’ll never have a clear and carefree mind again, I will continue to love you. I will love me.
Because who I am at my worst, is still me. So during the periods of time that the worst part of me is the only part of me, I will continue to love myself. I will never be alone through any of it because I will have me.
You'll be OK, I'm certain of it.
Love always,
Me
