Dear You,
Uhm, hi! Nice to meet you, I’m your future spouse! I just want to let you know that you’re getting two of us in this deal. You’re getting me and you’re getting my social anxiety. When I meet you for the first time, I’ll probably seem really friendly...like really friendly. Don’t be fooled by that extroverted personality, darling, because that’s only half of the human in front of you. Sure, I’m happy and laughing and asking you a lot of questions, because I’m curious. That’s normally me. I like being around people and starting conversations and getting to know my fellow human beings.
Ready for the other half? Here it comes.
On our first date, you'll take me to a restaurant. It’s nice here and we chat about lots of things while we look at the menu. I'll decide what I want, I'll point it out to you on the menu, and I'll make sure that you understand what I’ve decided on, which is kind of strange, isn't it? The waiter arrives and looks at me, asking what I want to order, and the other half of me arrives. My hands start sweating, my heart starts racing, I’m trying really hard to keep breathing normally and I forget what I wanted. I completely forget! I look to you for help, and I hope you rescue me.
I guess it’s time to introduce you to this mysterious other me who is holding back tears because I just embarrassed myself so badly and I want to melt through the floor and disappear: this is my social anxiety. It doesn’t like to order at restaurants or over the phone. It panics at the thought of calling an office to set up an appointment. It doesn’t like accepting food at my friend’s houses or at potlucks. It doesn’t like having options given to me, which you are about to find out.
We’ve been dating for a little while, let’s say it’s two months. Your family invites me over for a casual dinner and they order takeout. I just have whatever you’re having, since you have good taste, and by now you sort of understand so you help me out. Then your Mom, who is wonderful and who I have chatted with plenty of times on Facebook and the few times I’ve been over, offers me a drink. She gives me five or six options and I can feel it start to happen again. The heartbeat, the sweating hands, the breathing...you see it too. You watch my eyes kind of glaze over as my brain loses control. You tell her I’ll just have a glass of water. You’re my hero!
You know me. My outgoing personality, my friendliness, my ability to talk to anyone...so you invite me to my first college party. It’s by no means the kind of party that my parents would disapprove of, and I’d probably be enjoying myself...if I knew anyone here. You introduce me to your new college buddies and I smile and shake some hands, getting a little nervous, but it’s manageable. Then you leave to find someone and I am lost. You didn’t mean to do it, you just figured I’d be okay since you’d introduced me around. It's understandable and I bear you no ill will.
So I find a seat on the edge of the room and open an app on my phone, hoping to God that nobody will try and talk to me. They don’t, thank goodness, and for the most part I relax there and enjoy people watching for a good portion of the party. Maybe later you ask me to dance, then I make some friends, then it gets better while we all laugh together. The anxiety fades.
I’m sorry to tell you, but these situations may not always be so controlled. There are nights when I will come home and just cry on your shoulder for hours because the anxiety has built up. You might have to calm me down in public because something happened that sent me into a tailspin of crazy thoughts and inescapable feelings of panic and dread. There will be nights when I get out of bed and sit in the living room reading a book because I just cannot sleep for some reason.
My darling, my love, these things are going to happen because that’s just who I am and how my brain was built. I don’t like it, trust me. It really sucks, and it sucks that you’ll have to deal with it. But you love me, and for some reason you stick around, and we have a great time, and we love each other a lot. All three of us. Me, my social anxiety, and you. I just wanted to get everybody introduced around, because you're going to be the most beautiful thing in my life when we meet.
So, welcome to the family.
Love,
Me
(and Socially Anxious Me)
