Can you believe its been almost a year and half since you’ve been gone? A lot of people’s lives came to a halt that day. I never truly imagined that you would die. I think that’s the hardest part of this all to grasp. You’re gone forever. No more laughs, no more arguments, no more anything. I see you occasionally, and I want you to know that I notice. I notice the cardinals that seem to always be around, especially when I need you most. Little pieces of you show up everywhere I go, and I can’t be more grateful for that.
I admit that I get scared when I think about you sometimes. I get scared because I’m slowly forgetting what you’re like. I can’t remember what your laugh sounds like, or even what your voice sounds like sometimes. Day after day, I tried to train my brain to remember all of these things about you, but it seems that they have their own way of fading.
I look back on our childhood and all of the silly things we would do together. When you were in high school and I was just an elementary school kid, you filled my face with make up and dressed me up in your cheerleading uniform. The pictures of us going down a slide when I was just a little toddler and you were holding on to me for dear life. The endless amount of horrid Halloween costumes we repped every year.
Even as I grew up and our lives began to part into two different worlds, there was still always an understanding between the two of us. One of the last times I had seen you before you died was at our parent’s house when I graduated from high school. You shared some of your darkest secrets with me, and I with you. We weren’t necessarily close at that time, but we didn’t need to be. You had always turned to me for things, and I wish I had given you more in those times.
You know how it is when you lose someone, the stage of regret and the feeling that you could have done something more never really goes away. Regarding how you died, there wasn’t much more that any of us could have done, but the thought is always there. What if I could have gone back six years ago and talked to you more? What if we didn’t have that argument back in 2012? What if, what if, what if.
I just want you to know sis, that out of all of this, I am just glad I was there with you on your last day. Watching you die was never part of my plans, but I’m glad I could help send you off into your next adventure while holding your hand. A lot of people came to say goodbye to you at your funeral, and we sent you off with love.
I miss you every single day, and I wish you were still here. But you will always be my big sister. I love you with all of my heart and I will see you again someday.
Your little sister