Dear Clinical Depression,
Let me make this loud and clear, I hate you. I know you know how much I hate you. It really makes me angry that some chemical imbalance in my own brain can mess me up so badly. I can go from having a really awesome day to really sucky in under a minute. Sometimes, I don't even know why I am depressed. It is utterly exhausting being depressed and the more stressed I get, the more you are active in my life. You stop me from going out with my friends and going to class. You make sitting through a 50-minute class seem like two hours. You make talking to my friends
Once I am alone, you strike me at my core. You pick at all of my insecurities and you tell me over and over I am a failure. You scream it in my ear daily and every time I don't succeed at something you are always there to tell my how much of a screw-up I am. After a while, my body is physically tired. I need to sleep, and even then you won't allow me to escape the living hell you have created for me. Night after night I lay awake with my mind going a million miles an hour. "Remember that time you said that thing to that person in second grade? Wow, that sure was dumb, huh?" Yes. Yes, it was, thanks for reminding me of that.
Out of all of the nights I am awake, the thoughts that keep me awake the most are me struggling to find meaning in this world. Who am I? Why do I exist? If I were to die, who would even miss me? Wouldn't life be better without me? I am haunted by the image of my family mourning over me which indeed is the reality of what could be, but you, you switch it all up. You scramble the truth in my brain and you lead me to believe that no one, no matter what will miss me.
Further down the rabbit hole, I go, If I weren't here if I would have kept this grade up. If I would have spent my money more wisely... If.. If.. .IF. I am trapped in my own mind and this is hell. No matter what, I cannot escape all of these thoughts. I pray nightly when I have trouble sleeping, and I still fall asleep just as upset.
I walk around in a constant haze. I put on a fake smile, and pretend like nothing is wrong with me. However, on the inside, I am a wreck. All of this, I didn't ask for. Night after night and pill after pill I am forced to pop in order weakly muffle your screams. I talk to people constantly about how I feel, but there is no accurate way to describe how I feel. Every time I open up about you, I feel like I am being dramatic. "You know someone else has it worse than you. You are so ungrateful."
The truth about you, my brain, my depression is, is you are not fun. It is not something worth glamorizing. It consists of broken relationships and late nights alone crying. My brain hates me, and I am more comforted with the sadness depression brings me than hearing, "It's going to be OK". That scares me. Depression is not fun. I am trapped in a cage of my mind without a key. Things get better, but it never goes away.
All of this isn't to say I am crying out for help because I am not. In the end, I am going to be OK and I realize this. Depression is so taboo. It's not talked about but I am here to say it's OK to not be OK.
Signed,
Your Victim
