I could address this letter to you, but why should I? I know your name, but the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. We were friends, so I thought I could trust you. That night, I had come over to celebrate with you and with friends we both shared. You invited me and enjoyed the time we all had spent together.
As I had woken up from a blackout stage, there you were. You weren’t passed out on the couch or on the floor, you were on top of me. Holding me down, as if there was no care in the world for what I was saying to you. Being stronger than me had its advantage for you. For me… I was helpless.
The only thing that came to mind was how to get away, as the tears leaked from my eyes and strolled down my cheeks. The only feeling I had was the pressure of your forearm pressed against the back of my neck, and your heavy breaths as you took complete advantage of me. No matter what state I was in nearly hours before, I will always remember. You took my innocence away from me, and you had no idea. You didn’t care who I was, or that I kept saying "no." I was just another girl you thought you could just have sex with because you wanted it.
As two weeks turned into months, all I could do was blame myself. Thinking of how it would’ve been different if I didn’t show up, or if I didn't drink as much as I did. I had no voice for myself, I didn’t know where to turn as I was in fear of judgement from people around me. I lied to my family about what happened that night and it hurt. I didn’t want to draw attention to the situation.
As awful as it was, we were in high school, and word does travel fast. When our senior year started months later, I felt like I saw you every second. I saw you every day. As you walked past, my anxiety rose and I hid my face in a notebook. Seeing you is what replayed that night and morning over and over in my head. Seeing you every day made my life complete hell. I couldn’t stand it.
Senior year was rough because of you, yet it is supposed to be one of the best years of high school. I had people confront me about things that you had done to me, not that you had assaulted me, but the things you decided to do. I was mocked, and you couldn’t even remember what you had done. I was oblivious to you.
Looking back, I went through hell. I deal with the pills I’m prescribed in order to help with my depression that was caused by you. You made me suffer. You ruined my life for the past three years. I have no trust in any guy I meet due to the fear I have from what you had done.
Now, I didn’t write this all for you. This is for the ones who go through the hell that I had and still go through. The evil thing you had done to me gave me a light not to hold back. I was scared to go away to college because of the things you did and the pain you caused. But here I am. I’m here to give a voice to those who are frightened and are unaware of what to do. You gave me this opportunity. Helping others is the only good I can do out of what I went through. Its people like you that make it harder to speak out.
There’s no need to apologize to me. Nothing you could say or do could ever make me sink down to forgive you. I had done nothing to deserve it, you just decided to take advantage of me. I will forever be scarred and there is no going back from that.
But for what I go through and what I had felt, I’m going to make a change. I am going to make sure that women and younger girls like me are heard for what they went through and for what awful people like you had done to them.
People like this need a voice, and for what you caused, I can finally give them one. Never a day in your life should you deserve to be happy, nor should other assaulters like you. It's time to break the silence.
