His face makes me shake, his voice sends lightning strikes down my back, his eyes make me want to vomit. I shouldn’t be this scared. Why can’t I get over it like everyone is telling me to? Why is this still in my dreams. For so many years you have floated through my dreams, creating a hurricane in my stomach. I wish that I could say something to your face of what you have done to me.

To the man that ruined my childhood, to the man that left scars in a way no one else can, to the man that violated me,

Thank you. Thank you for making me build walls that don’t need to be built. Thank you for making me terrified of being physically intimate. Thank you for forcing me to be afraid of men. Thank you for putting your face in my head every time someone tries to be intimate. For putting your disgusting laugh in my head and that demonic grin. That grin that made my ears start ringing and my brain black out. I hate you for making me feel weak. For making me have this soft spot that I can’t seem to callous. Why can’t I get over something so small? People do it all the time. I think it’s because I loved you, I knew you, I looked up to you. All I can think of is anger anytime I hear your name. Because when I finally spoke up, I felt so alone. When I finally showed everyone who you really were it tore so many people apart. Because of you. You gave me so much fear that I never deserved. You gave me a weakness I hate. You gave me hatred I cannot get rid of.

I wish I could end this with some inspiration rant about how you made me grow as a person and be strong. But I can’t, I cannot lie to people and say that this was a good thing in the end. It is NOT a good thing.

PLEASE if you are someone you know has been sexually assaulted, Speak UP. You deserve to be heard too.

National Sexual Assault Hotline

Call 1-800-656-4673 (open 24 hours and confidential!)