Dear ex-best friend,

I have tried to write this letter several times.

And it doesn’t feel any easier.

But I felt that it was better late than never to give you an explanation.

You were more than my best friend. You were the sister I never had. You were my other half. You were the best person I had in my life because you were always there for me no matter what. You made me feel very lucky and special to have a person like you in my life. I will always be grateful for what you did for me and for all the memories. We had our ups and downs, but I never thought one day I wouldn’t have you by my side.

I thought that we would be friends forever -- the maid of honor or at least a bridesmaid at each other’s wedding -- that we would be roommates in the city, later becoming old ladies who never stop laughing at each other’s jokes.

And no one ever tells us how hard it is to leave all of that behind.

When everyone would ask me about you and us, I got used to the surprised looks and the questions. I didn't feel like I needed to explain myself.

But I want you to know why I ended our friendship.

After everything that happened with he who shall not be named, I lost myself. You saw it happening, month after month.

Junior year and senior year were very difficult for me emotionally. And I couldn't wait for high school to end.

When I finally started college, you and I were on two different paths. We had two different lifestyles and it felt like we were forcing to make it work.

I finally began to find myself again in college, and found a new circle of people who would support my interests in a new way. But with that, came the price.

I felt the need to leave everyone and everything behind. High school me was holding me back. Everything with him was holding me back. I really needed a fresh start.

I was very dependent on you and on our friendship. I needed to learn how to be independent and take care of myself. And so to do that, I ended our long friendship.

I still care about you and I think I always will. I only want you to be happy and to receive the love that you deserve.

Perhaps one day, later in life, we'll reconnect and reminisce over all the fun times we had and how much we changed in college.

Despite everything, I love you. I hope you know that.

But I needed to do this for me. I needed to learn how to rely on myself and figure out what I need to do in college. I needed to rediscover myself.

I'm not the happiest I've ever been, but one day I will be. And seeing you happy at college, and having fun -- it makes me happy. To see you thrive in your element and to see you be so alive in your environment. You were meant to be there. And looking back at everything, I realize that I made the right decision. For myself and for you. You could focus on you and I could focus on me.

You will always hold a special place in my heart, despite being so far apart, and I don't expect anything to come from this letter.

But I feel like I've finally come to terms after all this time, with what I said to you and with the decision I made. And I've been scared to tell you everything.

We’re not the same two girls who became friends in seventh grade. We’re not the same two girls who went through hell in high school. We’re adults now, living two very different lives.

But despite all of that, I hope I haven't lost you forever.

See you again someday.

Xoxo,

Stephanie