It's the number that can make or break our day, the one hanging over our head when we are trying on new clothes at Target and the one that shouldn't matter, but often means the most.
The number on the scale.
There's a line that is too fine and blurry for most of us when it comes to caring about health and simply obsessing over our looks. Unfortunately for me, I didn't realize I crossed that line until it had completely taken over my mental health.
I'll never forget that moment in high school when I looked at the scale for the one-hundredth time to see any "progress" after my workout. Instead of seeing numbers I saw a false reflection of my worth. I had classified each number that that would appear as an indication of beauty or superficial need.
I let the numbers on the scale come alive, taunt me and take control of my life. Instead of thinking about school work, family, sports or even myself as a person; I was thinking about my weight and getting new, smaller numbers. I convinced myself that my life would be exactly what I wanted if I could just look a certain way; the way society wanted me to look.
It pains me to look back and see all the time I sacrificed obsessing and planning over my appearance. I let false perceptions of what really mattered in life drive me to insanity and starvation. I wasn't just starving for food, I craved to be desired, liked, admired and flawless. But then what?
This is the problem with superficial goals, they never stop. Instead of investing in ourselves, we become convinced that we need to make money, be liked, or in my case be skinny in order to have a happy life. We put our souls on hold while we chase the unattainable, and it leads to the exact opposite. The sad part is that we are actually confused if we finally reach these goals and still feel emptiness.
I remember getting somewhat of the body I dreamed of, but it still wasn't good enough. There was an even better body on my social media feed or a smaller sized dress. The numbers on the scale still taunted me and I wasn't happy with the reflection in the mirror. I was living for an object, and not for anything of actual value.
That's when I knew it had to stop. I wasn't being healthy I was being controlled. From that day on I realized it would be an everyday battle to overcome the obsession I allowed myself to enter, but it would be worth it. And it was.
I now know that is perfectly okay to care about my health and desire to be fit, but it's not okay to make that my only purpose in life. Just like anything in this world, It's temporary.
Nothing temporary is worth our eternity, because there comes a point when we need to ask what we are living for and if it matters. If what matters to us is as temporary as likes, looks, and titles, what will be left when they are gone?
