1. It was NOT my fault

For a while, I looked for every excuse to blame myself to try and make it NOT an assault. "I didn't fight it." "I didn't scream." "I didn't explicitly say no." None of that matters. No matter what the circumstances were, I did not consent and I did not want any of it to happen. Self blame is something a lot of victims struggle with.

I even felt guilty when my assailants were arrested, missing Christmas and Thanksgiving with their families. But they made a choice that night to take advantage of me and they deserve to be punished for it, NOT ME. THEY are in the wrong, NOT ME. If you did not give clear, verbal consent, it was assault and that is no ones fault but the assailant. There is no excuse for someone to assault another person, it doesn't matter what the victim was wearing, what they had to drink, or their reputation. NO MEANS NO and if you did NOT consent, it was NOT your fault.

2. It's TOTALLY OKAY to talk about it

Yes, talking about sexual assault can be uncomfortable, but it needs to be talked about. Victims feel embarrassed by their assault, I know I did. But we have NOTHING to be embarrassed about. Something terrible happened to us and no one deserves to bottle up such a traumatic experience in the recesses of their own mind. It happens every day, to men and women, and should not be overlooked. I avoided the topic any chance I got. I shut down when my mom asked about it, or tried to update me on the legal process. I talked about anything BUT the assault in my therapy sessions. I ignored any texts anyone sent me. Rape culture is growing and it's time we stop feeling embarrassed for something someone else did to us. Talk about it and express how you feel because you deserve that much.

3. As much as I wish I was, I am not alone in this

I wish I could say I'm the only girl this has happened to and no one understands what I went and still go through. But that is not nearly the case. In fact, one in five women will be sexually assaulted at some point in their lives. While this is not a statistic anyone wants to hear, it means we aren't alone in our feelings. There are women we can identify with, share stories with, and share advice with. There are support groups and group therapies that can help victims cope with people that are trying to cope with the same situation. No one deserves to know what it is like to be assaulted, live in fear afterwards, and lose trust in men. But we can rise together in solidarity by giving each other advice, comfort, and support so victims know they are not alone in all the confusing thoughts running through their heads.

4. REPORT REPORT REPORT

I was so angry at my mom for making me report my assault that night in the hospital. I just wanted to get discharged, push it to the back of my mind, and pretend it never happened. I assumed I would get peace of mind much quicker if I avoided a long, drawn-out legal process. This is a SHORT TERM SOLUTION. You may feel better for the time being, but your brain will hold onto this trauma, even if it is unconsciously. Your brain chemically changes after a trauma, sometimes even resulting in mental health problems such as PTSD. In the early months of the legal process, I was continually running into my assailants; at work, on weekends, with my friends, and it would bring back an awful flood of memories, causing me to spiral into a panic for days at a time.

Victims do not deserve to experience their trauma more than once. While reporting won't take away the pain of what happened to you, it can lessen it by bringing justice to the one(s) that wronged you. It brought me much more peace than I ever expected to have knowing they were off the streets and I was free to live my life how I wanted. They took so much from me and as nasty as it sounds, I was glad they didn't get away with it. Not to mention, you have the chance to save other women from the men that wronged you. Don't get me wrong, I know justice is not always served as it should be. But it is an important thing to consider.

5. It's okay not to be okay

I tried really hard to plaster a smile on my face everyday for school and I mastered the "I'm fine" response to everyones questions. I tried way too hard to put on a brave face. I wanted to pretend I was okay just as much as I wanted everyone to believe it. But I was NOT fine. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Assault is one of the most traumatic things a woman can experience and NO ONE expects you to bounce back and be okay anytime soon after. I slept on the couch for days because I couldn't bring myself to go into my room. It looked and felt too normal in there and I felt anything but. Once I started admitting to myself and others I wasn't okay, it was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I could take off the mask and just be genuine. It is so important for the healing process to know, and admit, when you aren't doing well. Once I started telling my therapist the truth instead of trying to laugh everything off and pretend nothing affected me, I started benefiting from it so much more. Don't put the pressure on yourself to heal before you are ready to.

6. Having a support system is SO important

I know, no one ever wants to seem vulnerable. No one wants other peoples pity. Especially after an assault, it is so hard to trust anyone enough to let them in. But it is so important not to bear the weight of what happened to year on your own. That weight is so heavy and will get very overwhelming without anyone to help you carry it. I know it is easier said than done, I have never been one to easily let people in even before the assault, but once you do I can assure you will feel better. There are so many people in your life that want to support you during hard times; family, friends, counselors. LET THEM SUPPORT YOU. Going through a trauma with your support system there to guide you and hold your hand makes it easier. No one wants to make this experience harder for you than it's already been. Trust those closet to you, hold them tight during your darkest times, and confide in them to help yourself heal a little easier.

7. It WILL get better

Oh yes, this super cheesy line that honestly no one ever actually believes. I know I didn't. But here I am, a pre-veterinary sophomore at NC State with straight A's, surrounded by awesome friends, living in a perfect apartment with perfect roommates and perfect pets, with a wonderful boyfriend and a supportive family. And I am HAPPY. Of course I still have my off days with terrible thoughts about the assault running through my head. I still have times where I sent and replay it, thinking of the what if's and why's. I still have isolated nightmares here and there. But wow, I am so much better off than I was two years ago.

Two years ago, I was sleeping on my couch, skipping class and horseback riding any chance I got, forgetting assignments, and throwing up at physical therapy because my physical therapist was a man. I was a senior in high school and missed so many of my "lasts" because I was stuck in my own thoughts. I jumped at loud noises and when people came up from behind, I hated being in the crowded hallways at school. I really have gotten so much better. Of course some things will never really be the same, but bottom line: I am SO. MUCH. BETTER.