My First Casual, Sexual Relationship As A Lesbian Wasn't Love, But It Was Exactly What I Needed

I'm always on the lookout for new events of interest to attend. In a little over a month from now, there will be a literary event at the first college I attended right after high school. I know that once I step foot on that campus once more, memories of one of my first lesbian entanglements will be abundant.

A blogger that I follow wrote a piece about how cathartic it was to mentally write letters to her exes. Eventually, she typed them out. Whether the relationship ended painfully or not, they were people she cared about. People who helped shape who she was as a person. I feel the same way about my exes. So, I decided to share a letter to the ex I left after my first year of college.

Dear J,

You were not good for me whatsoever, but you entered my life at a time when I needed you.

I was fresh out of the closet, and President of the University's Gay/Straight Alliance. I had only messed around with females all my life, but I hadn't found the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I knew it wasn't going to be you. You were split if you wanted it to be me. But in that time of confusion, we rocked each others' worlds.

Through you, I learned I liked to be on top of another woman. I wanted you helpless so I could fully explore you and discover every way to make you orgasm. I didn't know I could engage in sexual activity without being in love with the person. But I think my curiosity about exploring the boundaries of my sexuality drove me to keep sleeping with you. I would leave you utterly spent and motionless every evening.

You made me recognize that something about my sexuality was off. I immensely enjoyed giving you pleasure, but I did not want it in return. And when you guilted me into letting you give it to me anyway, I was uncomfortable and detached. I was never aroused. Eventually, you would tire and I would be able to pleasure you again like I wanted. But I couldn't bring myself to enjoy you in return because I didn't have romantic feelings for you. I thank you for making me realize that I NEED that connection with someone I'm dating or I will simply just tune out and never be aroused when we are together.

I never meant to destroy your ego by not being into receiving pleasure. But I just wasn't in love with you — so no matter what sexual tricks you learned for me, no matter the location of our playtimes, and no matter how many conversations we had — I just wasn't going to enjoy receiving physical pleasure from you.

You believed my age at the time kept me from committing to you. But you made it clear that though you constantly fought, didn't live together, and didn't love each other; because he took care of you financially, you were never leaving your husband. You and your kids would live with your sister forever as long as he paid your tuition and helped buy things for the kids. That's not the kind of life I wanted. I had no desire to be the girl on the side of a loveless marriage. I wasn't even 20 when I met you, but I knew what I wanted out of a relationship. You didn't know if you wanted me 24/7 or just for booty calls. Especially since you could never arouse me.

We needed each other for lesbian experimentation — but that was it. We both were not ready for the full-time same-sex relationship that we wanted to have. We were not right for each other at all. But we were right for each other at the time we had one another.

-Love, ME.

In writing this letter, I found out that casual encounters have never been fulfilling for me, and that I had more blatant signs of my asexuality coming clear than I did when I was in high school. She helped me discover those things about myself. I just wish I had the tools then that I have now to research the impact the possible ways these things will affect me.