What My First Lesbian Sex Taught Me About Relationships

My First Casual, Sexual Relationship As A Lesbian Wasn't Love, But It Was Exactly What I Needed

An upcoming event makes me remember a past encounter.

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I'm always on the lookout for new events of interest to attend. In a little over a month from now, there will be a literary event at the first college I attended right after high school. I know that once I step foot on that campus once more, memories of one of my first lesbian entanglements will be abundant.

A blogger that I follow wrote a piece about how cathartic it was to mentally write letters to her exes. Eventually, she typed them out. Whether the relationship ended painfully or not, they were people she cared about. People who helped shape who she was as a person. I feel the same way about my exes. So, I decided to share a letter to the ex I left after my first year of college.

Dear J,

You were not good for me whatsoever, but you entered my life at a time when I needed you.

I was fresh out of the closet, and President of the University's Gay/Straight Alliance. I had only messed around with females all my life, but I hadn't found the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I knew it wasn't going to be you. You were split if you wanted it to be me. But in that time of confusion, we rocked each others' worlds.

Through you, I learned I liked to be on top of another woman. I wanted you helpless so I could fully explore you and discover every way to make you orgasm. I didn't know I could engage in sexual activity without being in love with the person. But I think my curiosity about exploring the boundaries of my sexuality drove me to keep sleeping with you. I would leave you utterly spent and motionless every evening.

You made me recognize that something about my sexuality was off. I immensely enjoyed giving you pleasure, but I did not want it in return. And when you guilted me into letting you give it to me anyway, I was uncomfortable and detached. I was never aroused. Eventually, you would tire and I would be able to pleasure you again like I wanted. But I couldn't bring myself to enjoy you in return because I didn't have romantic feelings for you. I thank you for making me realize that I NEED that connection with someone I'm dating or I will simply just tune out and never be aroused when we are together.

I never meant to destroy your ego by not being into receiving pleasure. But I just wasn't in love with you — so no matter what sexual tricks you learned for me, no matter the location of our playtimes, and no matter how many conversations we had — I just wasn't going to enjoy receiving physical pleasure from you.

You believed my age at the time kept me from committing to you. But you made it clear that though you constantly fought, didn't live together, and didn't love each other; because he took care of you financially, you were never leaving your husband. You and your kids would live with your sister forever as long as he paid your tuition and helped buy things for the kids. That's not the kind of life I wanted. I had no desire to be the girl on the side of a loveless marriage. I wasn't even 20 when I met you, but I knew what I wanted out of a relationship. You didn't know if you wanted me 24/7 or just for booty calls. Especially since you could never arouse me.

We needed each other for lesbian experimentation — but that was it. We both were not ready for the full-time same-sex relationship that we wanted to have. We were not right for each other at all. But we were right for each other at the time we had one another.

-Love, ME.

In writing this letter, I found out that casual encounters have never been fulfilling for me, and that I had more blatant signs of my asexuality coming clear than I did when I was in high school. She helped me discover those things about myself. I just wish I had the tools then that I have now to research the impact the possible ways these things will affect me.

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Why You Should Stop Chasing Him

You deserve better.
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They say “the thrill of the chase" makes someone more enticing. There's just something about wanting something you can't have that drives you crazy (in a good way). There is never a dull moment. Pursuing him is a challenge. Nothing comes easily. What's the fun in that anyway?

I'm going to tell you this: stop chasing him. Stop forgiving him when he forgets to answer your text messages and phone calls. Stop being the one to always make plans. Stop letting him bail on you. Stop waiting around for him. Stop being lied to. Stop making excuses when he doesn't make time for you. There is a difference between someone who is “hard to get" and a flat out jerk who doesn't give you the time of day. Stop letting him use you.

You deserve to be with someone who makes you fall asleep every night in the middle of texting him because neither of you want the conversation to end. You deserve someone who plans dates for the two of you. You deserve someone who asks you to hang out before midnight. You deserve someone who wants to spend time with you just as much as you do with them. You deserve someone who insists on paying for your ice cream. You deserve someone who won't deceive you. You deserve someone who is straightforward. You deserve attention. You deserve affection. You deserve a partnership that is mutual, not one-sided. You deserve to be chased.

You are better than 3 a.m. “Hey" texts. You are better than a night spent watching a movie just to fool around. You are better than trying to decode his vague messages. You are better than his shadiness. You are better than mind games. You are better than being ignored.

If you have to chase him, he's not worth it. Don't settle for someone who makes you beg for his attention. If he is genuinely interested in getting to know you, he will put in the effort. A relationship where your feelings are reciprocated is far more rewarding than one where you constantly feel like you have to drag him along.

Change your mentality. Become more independent. Be confident, be bold. Find happiness in being alone. Don't waste your time pathetically chasing after someone who doesn't feel the same, but doesn't have the heart or the courage to tell you so. Your self-confidence and positivity will make you radiant, and eventually, you will attract the kind of guy who is mature enough to not mess with your head.

Cover Image Credit: weheartit.com

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Accepting That I Like Women Is My Proudest Accomplishment

You're not supposed to think of soft skin, and ruby lips, and I was.

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I remember being a 12-year-old girl in middle school, who was absolutely terrified to tell anyone that I liked girls. I didn't want to tell my friends. I didn't want my family to ever find out. It was my big secret. It was something that I was so afraid to be judged for, because you're not supposed to be that way, right?

You're not supposed to even think about the same gender in a sexual way. You're not supposed to think of soft skin, and ruby lips, and I was. I was thinking about girls...all the time. I was thinking about the smiles, and the last minute sleepovers, and the intellectual conversations, and the laughs.

My god, the laughs. It just didn't make sense to me. And as I grew older, I couldn't really keep it a secret anymore. I couldn't keep my smile from forming when certain girls walked into the room. I couldn't stop staring when girls would walk away. Even though boys were on my mind as well, in the Forefront of my brain, I couldn't help but imagine myself in a house, with a wife and children, and it was so scary because I couldn't figure out what was "wrong" with me.

Why did I have to be so different? No matter how hard I tried to make the feelings go away, whether it was with mental or physical pain, nothing seemed to work.

I remember being a 12-year-old girl when gay marriage was legalized in New York State.

I remember being a 17-year-old girl in high school when a fellow student called me, and my best friend ' dikes.' I remember being absolutely stunned, and embarrassed. Not only was the statement true, but it had been yelled across the bus as if she was just shouting for my name. This is the moment I had been waiting for. I had been waiting for my entire school career to be judged, and this was it? This is what I was afraid of?

I remember being a 21-year-old woman, when I ran into some people from school, in the gay bar. I remember being a 21-year-old woman when I went to NYC pride and saw a tremendous amount of support. I remember being a 21-year-old woman when I fell in love with another beautiful woman. I remember being a 21-year-old woman when I wasn't afraid anymore.

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