My First Casual, Sexual Relationship As A Lesbian Wasn't Love, But It Was Exactly What I Needed

My First Casual, Sexual Relationship As A Lesbian Wasn't Love, But It Was Exactly What I Needed

An upcoming event makes me remember a past encounter.

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I'm always on the lookout for new events of interest to attend. In a little over a month from now, there will be a literary event at the first college I attended right after high school. I know that once I step foot on that campus once more, memories of one of my first lesbian entanglements will be abundant.

A blogger that I follow wrote a piece about how cathartic it was to mentally write letters to her exes. Eventually, she typed them out. Whether the relationship ended painfully or not, they were people she cared about. People who helped shape who she was as a person. I feel the same way about my exes. So, I decided to share a letter to the ex I left after my first year of college.

Dear J,

You were not good for me whatsoever, but you entered my life at a time when I needed you.

I was fresh out of the closet, and President of the University's Gay/Straight Alliance. I had only messed around with females all my life, but I hadn't found the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I knew it wasn't going to be you. You were split if you wanted it to be me. But in that time of confusion, we rocked each others' worlds.

Through you, I learned I liked to be on top of another woman. I wanted you helpless so I could fully explore you and discover every way to make you orgasm. I didn't know I could engage in sexual activity without being in love with the person. But I think my curiosity about exploring the boundaries of my sexuality drove me to keep sleeping with you. I would leave you utterly spent and motionless every evening.

You made me recognize that something about my sexuality was off. I immensely enjoyed giving you pleasure, but I did not want it in return. And when you guilted me into letting you give it to me anyway, I was uncomfortable and detached. I was never aroused. Eventually, you would tire and I would be able to pleasure you again like I wanted. But I couldn't bring myself to enjoy you in return because I didn't have romantic feelings for you. I thank you for making me realize that I NEED that connection with someone I'm dating or I will simply just tune out and never be aroused when we are together.

I never meant to destroy your ego by not being into receiving pleasure. But I just wasn't in love with you — so no matter what sexual tricks you learned for me, no matter the location of our playtimes, and no matter how many conversations we had — I just wasn't going to enjoy receiving physical pleasure from you.

You believed my age at the time kept me from committing to you. But you made it clear that though you constantly fought, didn't live together, and didn't love each other; because he took care of you financially, you were never leaving your husband. You and your kids would live with your sister forever as long as he paid your tuition and helped buy things for the kids. That's not the kind of life I wanted. I had no desire to be the girl on the side of a loveless marriage. I wasn't even 20 when I met you, but I knew what I wanted out of a relationship. You didn't know if you wanted me 24/7 or just for booty calls. Especially since you could never arouse me.

We needed each other for lesbian experimentation — but that was it. We both were not ready for the full-time same-sex relationship that we wanted to have. We were not right for each other at all. But we were right for each other at the time we had one another.

-Love, ME.

In writing this letter, I found out that casual encounters have never been fulfilling for me, and that I had more blatant signs of my asexuality coming clear than I did when I was in high school. She helped me discover those things about myself. I just wish I had the tools then that I have now to research the impact the possible ways these things will affect me.

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To The Boy Who Made Me Love Again

Thank you for loving me and showing me how to love myself.

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To the boy who made me love again:

From the very beginning of our relationship, you showed me you were different. You showed me how I should be treated.

After dating someone for three years, falling in love was the last thing I wanted to do again. I did not want to grow close to anyone and fall in love with every little aspect of someone, but with you, it was so much different. You were different from other guys I had talked to. You have done small things for me that make me so happy. From offering to order me pizzas while I'm working to ordering me a key chain that says "drive safe," it's the little things you've done to make me love you.

During my previous relationship, I had come to a custom of pulling out my card to pay for dates and thought it was okay to accept the fact that good morning text did not exist. Every morning since we started dating, you never forget to text me good morning. We almost fight over who is going to pay, because I can't expect you to pay for every date. You have shown me what to expect in a relationship.

You never fail to make me happy. Whenever I say I'm hungry, you get me Mexican. When I want to watch Netflix, you immediately put on The Office. I can mention one thing I want and you buy it because you know it will make me happy. You give me forehead kisses and it puts a smile on my face. Whenever I am upset, you won't get off the phone until you figure out what is wrong and make sure everything is okay.

You make me feel beautiful. I can come over in leggings and socks and Birkenstocks or I can come over in a nice shirt and booties, but either way, you tell me I'm beautiful. Whenever I just wake up and look a hot mess, you look me in my eyes and tell me I'm beautiful.

You always tell me to be careful whenever I'm driving and you make sure to tell me you love me every night before you go to bed. You remind me of things I know I'll forget and you literally read my mind. You motivate me with my schooling and tell me how proud you are of me when I make a good grade.

I never wanted to date again and I especially did not want to fall in love; however, you are everything I dreamed of wanting. I am so blessed to have met you and fallen in love with you. So to the boy who made me want to love again, I love you and thank you for everything.

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13 Gifts For The Love Of Your Life That Say 'I LOVE YOU'

It doesn't have to be huge, and it doesn't have to encompass your love in every way, all it has to say is those three special words.

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Do you ever just have the urge to spoil your person? For no reason at all, or for a special occasion? It feels like a random burst of energy where you just want that perfect gift to say DON'T FORGET, I LOVE YOU. It doesn't have to be huge, and it doesn't have to encompass your love in every way, all it has to say is those three special words. Here are gifts both big and small for that perfect person in your life.

1. Prezzybox Key To My Heart key ring set

It's simple, and it's sweet. Prezzybox has many other perfect gifts!

Find on Prezzybox for just $14.99!

I Love You light bulb

This will literally light up their day.

Find on Amazon for $9.99!

Unique wood candle

I think we all know Etsy always has the most unique and best-customized gifts. I stumbled upon this one a while ago, and have been saving it for a special occasion!

Find on Etsy for $29.99!

Personalized photo Rubix's cube

Just like every relationship, this gift is going to take some work to put together. It's all the more fun when you see the final piece!

Find on Personalization Mail for $31.99!

Teddy bear with sweater

Also found on Personalization Mail is this adorable teddy bear! Customize the teddy bears sweater to say an inside joke you have, or even an anniversary date.

Find on Personalization Mail for $28.99!

Name a star

Buy them a STAR. Yes, an actual star in the sky. How unique is that!

Find on Star Name Registry for $19.95!

Actual handwriting bracelet

Gifting a bracelet is great, but have you ever gifted a bracelet that you designed yourself? This. is. awesome.

Find on Etsy for $33.75!

Date night bucket list

Never ask "what should we do tonight" again!

Find on Uncommongoods for $18.00!

Shoe lace tags

A unique gift if your loved one is a runner. You can even personalize the tags, so if they aren't, and would appreciate a little motivation at their feet, this is also for them.

Find on Amazon for $8!

Joy Of Socks

Joy Of Socks has hundreds of unique socks, you are bound to find the perfect ones!

Find on Joy Of Socks for $11.50!

Written with love plush blanket

Personal Creations is another amazing websites to find the perfect gift. Write something special on this cozy blanket!

Find on Personal Creations for $59.99!

What I love about you book

This was one of my favorite gifts I have ever been given. It is a perfect touch of romance!

Find at Amazon for $10.40!

Little Box Of Rocks

Healing crystals are becoming more and more popular. These rocks are "infused with the energy of hot, lunar passion, this healing crystal collection for romance was created as an expression of wild and feverish love."

Find on Little Box Of Rocks for $45.00!

No matter what gift you give your loved one, they are bound to love it. It is always the thought that counts the most.

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