During one of the most difficult periods in my life last year, I found myself constantly struggling every day. Eventually, I started going to my friends for help, support, and advice. One day during study hall, my friend suggested that I make a list. When I asked what the list would be of, she told me that the list should be of everything and anything that I want to do for myself. I pondered this for many minutes, yet, I could not come up with a single idea. It was that moment that I began to realize that I was not living for myself, I was simply living my life for other people.
I had done this in many different ways, but each led to the same result. Getting good grades was to make my mother proud of me, I danced for the hope that others would watch, I made jokes so that others could laugh, even the art that I created was never for my enjoyment, it was always what the teacher wanted.
This a-ha moment later made me begin to not only question the reasoning behind the decisions I have previously made, but also every goal that I had set for my future. I had never had any interest in traveling or even leaving my hometown. The only thing that I have ever truly wanted as a long-term goal is a happy family of my own. The very idea of a man in my life was more so of a savior than it had every been of a partner. I felt that I needed to be saved by someone, but I never believed that I could save myself.
No desire for independence or freedom has led me astray for years, causing so many regretful decisions. Now that I am able to see the facts for how they are, I truly I have the power to fix myself, to save myself.
A transition such as this, is not going to take place overnight. It is going to take hard work and dedication. A complete reorganization of my priorities must occur. Now, I must come first.
In a life where you live to please others, you will find that you are never really living yourself. You can never please everyone, and that couldn't be more true. No matter what you do, there will always be people that doubt you, don't like you, and even people that will be better than you at just about everything you do. If we let this affect us on extreme levels, then we have already lost ourselves.
I am happy to report that I find the person that I have become, and the girl that I used to be, to be very different people. I have found so much more interest in my own wants and goals. The girl that I was, is not who I am. As Taylor would say, "Cause she's dead." And I could not think of a happier ending then a new and happier version of me.
