Growing up, I realized that a part of me always felt a little sad. But it started to get worse, and worse, and worse. I was to the point where I always felt exhausted, sad, and low. “You’re just depressed” people would say, which made sense with the rise of depression in teens. But it only got worse, constantly battling with my mind, thinking horrible things with my mind. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, and after being on numerous cocktails of medicine and bouncing from counselor to counselor, someone figured it out. I have BPD.
So, what is BPD? Well, it stands for Borderline Personality Disorder or is often known as Emotional Regulation disorder.
“A mental disorder characterized by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships.”
Sounds simple enough right? Wrong, it’s so much more than that. It’s the constant impulses, people thinking you’re crazy, the black and white thinking, the overwhelming emotions, the horrible thoughts. Sounds pretty bad, right? No, not all the way. It had its moments, but I also learned a lot from it.
1. You never know who you are.
This sounds more worse than it actually is. After living with Borderline, I’ve learned that my personality adjusts to those who I hang around. Talk about influence from your peers, huh? I often read how people don’t know themselves, that their personalities are a shell of someone else’s. But, I have simply learned that this helps me make friends. With my personality mirroring anyone who I’m around, I’ve learned to make friends a lot easier. It helps me connect with people, rather than being an unsociable dud. It has helped me a lot in throughout my high school years, helping me find a series of new friends no matter where I am. Doesn’t sound too bad, right?
2. I can read other’s emotions.
With BPD, I notice a lot more about people. I can often read people based on what emotion they are feeling. While this may seem more overwhelming, it is a gift in itself. With my hypersensitivity and pain I experience, it has helped me realize how people feel. From the very beginning, I have learned how to talk to people based on their emotions, as I am more aware when a person is in distress. It sounds crazy, but I can truly feel what another person is feeling.
3. The empathy is usually through the roof.
Another good skill I have is the empathy I experience. I grew up always wanting to help people, even though from the very beginning of my life until now I have been wronged by several people. I have noticed that even if people do something to me, I am more understanding behind their actions and why they did it. It helps me have a deeper understanding of someone’s situation, and how I can help them in whatever way I can. Despite all the emotional turmoil I have gone through, it has left me to empathize with people in somewhat similar experiences. After learning appropriate coping skills, I noticed that I can offer people some relief from their situations and how to deal with their turmoil in the future.
4. A strong sense of loyalty.
Those who are close to me, I have noticed I am willing to do anything for them. After caring about a person deeply, my sense of love runs fiercely toward them. While I often struggle with fears of abandonment and get severely attached to someone, it is only a reflection of how much I care about someone. On my good days, I’m a spout of happiness and often spread the joy and laughter to people I love.
5. We can bounce back.
With Borderline, I lack emotional permanence. With is the idea of when I am no longer experiencing a certain emotion, I can no longer recall my experience of having it. It’s the same idea as object permanence, like when a baby can’t see something, it doesn’t exist to them. This may be hard in telling counselors how I’m truly feeling, but it has helped me a lot more than it has done bad. Living with BPD, I often hit my breaking point over and over. It’s normal, but because of emotional permanence, I am able to get right back up from where I started before I hit my breaking point. With Borderline, we are more prone to addiction, whether it be battling the impulsion to cut, or the urge to drink ourselves to death. On top of that, BPD is often associated with trauma survivors. Sounds scary right? In the end, it just means I am a warrior who is able to lift myself up when no one else can.
“If you consider how much borderlines accomplish on top of managing their symptoms, you would see that our survival is nothing short of miraculous.”
6. The emotional rollercoaster.
People with Borderline are know for their numerous displays of emotion. It runs deeper than that, though, we can physically feel our emotions. While this may be bad when we’re overwhelmed with sadness, it has also helped us. When we experience happiness, it’s such a beautiful thing. It isn’t a huge smile on our face, it’s the deep sense of euphoria we can feel running through our veins. A sense of happiness puts me on top of the world and makes me feel like I can do anything. So with hitting the breaking point numerous times, I can retaliate with a bubbling rush of happiness.
7. The passion.
I am typically a hard-headed person, but that comes with Borderline. It can be a flaw in itself, but it also has benefitted me. I strive to achieve my goals if I have the motivation, working hard for my passion. With such a high expectation in myself, I push myself harder to achieve that. I often fight for the cause I believe in, springing to life out of my shell I feel enclosed in a lot.
8. The ability to create.
Generally people with BPD are often more creative than the average individual. Typically it is seen in artists, singers, and performers. We consume ourselves in our work and create something beautiful out of it. Ranging from makeup to art, to singing, to performing, we strive to be the best at our talents. Fantasizing and daydreaming is often a result of Borderline, and our ideas can easily flow from our brains to paper.
9. High awareness of our situations.
An ability of ours is the ability to adapt to the situations around us easier. A strong surge of emotions reinforces a sense of awareness. This makes us as independent as much as we are dependent. We have a high level of security and connection to nature and animals.
10. The feelings of protection.
It is often noted how our emotions are different compared to those around us. We feel panic for fear, humiliation for embarrassment, depressive for sadness, euphoria for happiness, and aggressiveness for anger. The intensity can result of how we feel towards a person. With aggression, it sounds more like a bad thing. With our sense of loyalty running deeply, that aggression can turn into a high level of protectiveness.
A high stigma surrounds BPD, as people with it are often outcasted due to such strong emotions. We are not manipulative, horrible monsters. We are people who experience the world differently than the average person. Every day is a struggle for us, no matter what happens. Situations can downplay us just as much as we downplay ourselves. It feels like a constant battle between environments and ourselves, but that doesn’t mean we’re bad. We’re often in turmoil, but the benefits that come from such a hard thing to live with makes living with it a little easier every day. No matter what the stigma is, our personality disorder is who we are, and it’s not all that bad.
