To My Childhood Bully:
You took the form of many different people throughout my grade school years. Each time you hurt my feelings, made me value myself less, distracted my education, and made me dread putting on even my best school outfit each morning.
I never understood what I did to you, I never understood what was so wrong with me that you had to go out of your way to make sure I wasn't happy. In elementary school you did everything in your power to make sure kids would stop playing with me at recess, in middle school you made sure I didn't find a group a friends, and in high school you made sure I was never comfortable or confident in myself. I didn't care about the assemblies and the anti-bully month where teachers preached that if I ignored you, if I went to a teacher, if I didn't let it get to me, that you would go away.I couldn't believe it was that simple because every time I thought you were gone you came back, in a new and unexpected form. It made grade school seem like the plot to some really lame horror film, honestly.
It seemed the older I got, the more it seemed like you didn't know you were bullying me. But how do you tear apart someone's self confidence, embarrass them, and pick on them totally unintentionally? You got away with so much more the older we got. Teachers could punish you for shoving me at the lockers, tripping me, punching me, and pulling the chair out from under me when we were little, but teachers didn't punish emotional torment, the bigger and much more underrated issue for students.
The stages for me for coping with you went from sadness and confusion about why, to angry at you knowing I didn't deserve it, but I'm finally okay with never understanding why I was your target. Part of me wishes this ended with a thank you, some sort of thank you for making me stronger, but honestly there's little to no part of me that feels thankful for all the torment. I am, however, thankful that you're gone, and glad I no longer feel the need to make you like me.
As thankful as I am that you're out of my life, I do not look forward to seeing you again in the life of my future kids, nieces, and nephews, because I know you will be there. When that time does come, and maybe it won't, maybe you will have had enough and will finally graduate grade school, but if it does come, all I can hope is you won't get to them like you got to me, and if you do, they'll heal like I did, and know they deserve so much more than you.
Wherever my childhood bully is now, I know you aren't affected like I was affected. I know it never even passes your mind now, I was just an insignificant classmate and it was "just a kid thing" to you. I really hope it was just that, that whatever you're doing now, it's not tearing someone apart. And I hope someday I can think of it as "just a kid thing", too.
