ABC will air an episode of "Celebrity Family Feud" featuring the Gronkowski family this Sunday, July 19. Tragically, ABC missed the golden opportunity of the Family Feud Matchup that everybody would rather see: The Kardashians vs. The New England Patriots. Here's a taste of what could have been.
“Welcome to Celebrity Family Feud!" Steve Harvey beams. "This week we have an absolutely epic matchup for you. On the right, we have America’s most beloved/hated family, the Kardashians!
Pitted against America’s most admired/reviled football team, the New England Patriots.
“We’re all excited to see which group can use more questionable tactics to rise to the top today!" Steve says. "Alright, it’s time for the opening round. Kanye, Gronk, come on up!”
Kanye and Gronk Approach the stage.
“Alright, You guys know the rules,” Steve says. “We surveyed 100 people, and you have to guess their answers. Whoever hits their button quicker gets to answer the question first.”
Gronk, who can't comprehend English or the basic tenants of social interaction, does not understand what Steve just said. He does however see the big red button in front of him and decide this button is his enemy.
“First question,” Steve says. “Name somebody who is inspiring.”
Gronk picks up his button and smashes it to the floor before Kanye can even get a hand on it.
“DEES NUTS!” Gronk screams victoriously.
“Gronk I don’t think you understo-“
“DEES NUTS!” Gronk shouts again.
Steve Harvey sighs in disbelief and turns to the big board.
"Okay, Show me Dees nuts!" Steve says.
Gronk climbs onto his team's table, turns toward the audience and exposes himself to the crowd. An audience member faints and requires medical attention.
“No Gronk!" Tom Brady yells as he grabs Gronk and pulls him off the table. "He didn’t want you to show the crowd your junk! He was talking to the board!"
"But the board can't talk" Gronk replies innocently.
"Moving on," Steve says, “Kanye, now it is your turn. Name someone inspiring.”
“Kanye West,” says Kanye West.
“Really? Really asshole?” Steve says. “Damn it, alright. Show me Kanye west!”
"Sorry Kanye, it seems you're about as inspiring as a narcissistic douchebag should be," Steve says. "Since neither of you got the right answer, we'll need the next two family members. Kris Jenner, Bill Belichick, come on down."
"Alright, Bill, Kris, are you guys ready?" Steve asks.
"Wait!" Kanye interrupts."I caught Bill videotaping our practice yesterday. He already knows all our strategies."
"Is this true?" Steve asks.
"unintelligible mumble", Belichick says.
"I'll allow you to keep the video and distribute its rights on the internet in exchange for $15 million and the rights for Tom Brady to be Kim's personal stylist on Keeping up with the Kardashians once a season," Kris Jenner says.
"Done," Belichick says. Tom Brady pretends to be upset, but has trouble hiding his glee.
"Don't do it! You're creating a monster!" yells Ray-J as he is taken away by security for trying to rush the stage.
“I can’t do this anymore man," Scott Disick says. "These people are lunatics. I have to get the hell out of here."
“I’m with you man,” Darrelle Revis chimes in. "These guys are nuts.”
“DEES NUTS!” Gronk screams.
“Screw these crazies Scott," Darrelle says. "I got my ring, and you have your enormous ego. We got what we wanted from them. Let’s ditch them and go back to New York.”
(Scott and Darrelle exit the set.)
"Well," Steve says, "let's continue with the next contestant. Khloe, who inspires you?”
“I’ve always been so inspired by my blood-sister Kim, and my other blood-sister Kourtney," Khloe says. "Also, my mother Kris and my whole family that I totally love being family with, I don’t know how I could pick just one of them."
“Khloe, you can stop this charade,” Malcolm Butler says. “You’re not a Kardashian. Everybody knows it. You know it in your heart.”
A single tear drips down Khloe’s cheek. Kim shuffles away from her ever so slightly.
“I understand what you’re going through,” Malcolm says. “I know what it’s like to not fit in.” Malcolm’s voice grows more emotional with every syllable.
“Look at me. If it weren’t for my catch during the Super Bowl, Tom Brady wouldn’t even know my name," Malcolm says. "And if your freak show parents hadn’t pretended you were their child, nobody would know your name either. I’m no Patriot, and you’re no Kardashian.”
Khloe begins sobbing. Kris and Kim try to console her, but it’s too late. Malcolm and Khloe run off the stage together to begin their new lives dedicated to rediscovering their roots and eventually being overpaid to play in the AFC South.
"Wow, we are running low on time," Steve says. "And we haven't even gotten anything on the board yet. Caitlyn, please, tell me somebody who inspires you."
“I have to go with Tom Brady,” Caitlyn says. “It takes courage to deflate balls.”
"Show me Tom Brady!" Steve yells.
"Well, it's all tied 0-0 at the end of the show, and everybody knows what that means!" Steve says. "Sudden Death!"
Kim Kardashian and Tom Brady prepare for the final showdown: A sudden death "Who Wore It Best" walkoff with a random item of clothing.
"And the item of clothing you both will be wearing today is....a dog collar!" Steve announces.
"You're up first Kim, break the internet for us," Steve says.
The entire Patriots team groans. They know Kim is going to be tough to beat. "Tom has the clutch gene," Belichick says. "He'll win it for us."
"Show us what ya got, Tom." Steve says.
The audience gasps. The Patriots roar. The Kardashians melt and dissolve into puddles of acid that burn through the floor.
"THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS ARE 2015 FAMILY FEUD CHAMPIONS!" yells an elated (and mildly aroused) Steve Harvey. "Tom Brady cements his legacy as the most clutch Quarterback in the NFL. See you back here next week on Celebrity Family Feud."
