Words can’t describe just how much I despise the Cubs.

Perhaps it’s just jealousy at the fact that the Cubs are safely cruising into the playoffs this year with Kris Bryant and an entire slew of young studs who are fantastic at playing with balls and wood, while the White Sox are getting tea-bagged by Harry Carrey’s ghost.

You hear that thud? That’s the sound of every Chicago woman’s panties collectively hitting the floor after just looking at Kris Bryant’s left nostril.

Maybe it’s the fact that the Cubs bleacher section consists of intoxicated female patrons who look like they got some vacation time from their job at the Playboy mansion and decided to spend it at a Cubs game, while lady Sox fans kind of resemble Hugh Heffner a bit until you get a few overpriced beers deep.

Regardless of my exact reasoning for hating the Cubs, seeing them do so well this year feels like what I can only describe as getting my heart ripped out by Moises Alou’s urine stained hands and having it wrapped around Wrigley Field’s dead ivy vines before finally being thrown away into the dark abyss by a Jon Lester pickoff attempt.

So as October approaches and the Cubs make their final push to make the playoffs, I feel it is my obligation not only as a Sox fan, but also a decent human being to do all that I can to jinx the Cubs and ensure that they continue to have the longest dry spell seen since, oh, I dunno… Let’s go with Carrot Top.

You hear that thud? That’s the sound of every Chicago women’s panties collectively being put back on.

Let us begin the jinxing with the classic Sports Illustrated cover jinx, in which after what must have been a night of heavy drinking and waking up with a phone number from Kandy, Sports Illustrated’s design team thought it was a good idea to put a Cubs player on it.

Just to check up on where all of these Cubs players/coaches are now: Sammy Sosa currently looks like a fat version of Michael Jackson, Kerry Wood is still on the waiting list for a right arm transplant, Lou Piniella is retired in Florida where he likes to yell and kick sand at alligators, Mark Prior is doing calf raises somewhere, Alfonso Soriano just struck out again, and Jon Lester is making the easiest $150 million for the least amount of work possible since Kim Kardashian discovered the power of a video camera and the internet.

Oops, how’d this get here?!

Although not necessarily a jinx, I think we could use the tears of Cubs fans to extinguish the entire state of California.

And then here’s Alex Gonzalez Cubbing up game 6 of the 2003 NLCS.

Even Brett Favre would be more welcomed in Chicago than poor Steve.

And just for good measure, here’s a giant Billy Goat. Good luck Cubbies!