From the day I was born to the day I held your hand as you took your last breath, we were always side by side.

You were my best friend—we told each other everything. I never saw it coming, and I never thought about it. I guess that's why it took me so long to accept it. I never thought you wouldn't be at my high school graduation or dance with me at my wedding. I always pictured you with me at the most important parts of my life, sharing these once-in-a-lifetime moments with me.

When it comes to grieving over a loved one who has passed away, the stages are experienced differently for everyone. Sometimes it's hard to admit the emotions we feel or even impossible to explain them. But I'm here to tell you: It's OK to grieve. It's healthy. It's normal. It's necessary.

Many people believe that the "normal" process goes as follows:

1. Denial and Isolation

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

For me, these stages didn't go as planned. Here is my story.

My First Stage: Denial and Anger

I was caught up in a whirlwind of emotions and experienced two stages at once after the shock left my body. It only took cancer four months to take you away from me. On October 14, 2014, my whole world was flipped upside down, and I was free falling into a place I've never been before. I fell into a pit of denial and anger. No matter how hard I tried and wanted to, I couldn't grasp the concept of death or the fact that I wouldn't see you every day. I was stuck in a scary place; I didn't want to get out, though. For some reason, I didn't want to accept it. I didn't want to accept that we will never hang out on the porch swing and talk about my future and your past together, for hours, ever again. I was angry you weren't here with me anymore. I was angry at God, myself, and basically the whole universe for letting something like this happen. I didn't understand why you had to leave me. I wasn't letting myself understand.

My Second Stage: Depression

I didn't notice how I truly felt until others noticed it. The way I moved, talked, looked at others—my family just knew. I was never really excited about anything, and I never really wanted to go anywhere. To me, I just thought I was still angry at the world. In a way, I still was. But the way that depression worked through me was slowly then all at once. First, I got lost in my thoughts about you. Everything that I saw reminded me in some way, shape, or form of you. All I wanted was to have you back, at least for one moment, to tell you how much I missed you. But I couldn't, and I felt lost without you. I used to talk to you about any problem I'd have, and you'd always have something to say about it. From telling me to "let the guy pay" or "if you eat too much of that, your jaws will blow up like a bullfrog." I still say that to myself now. You kept me sane. Now that you've gone away, I felt like I didn't have someone to save me from the complicated mess I thought my life was. Everything seemed easier when I was with you.

I still remember the wrinkles on your knuckles and the roughness of your palms from years of hard work. You worked so hard. I'll never forget that. I'll never forget any detail of you. After every family dinner, we had a place on the couch. We sat together for hours. From a young age to your last days, we had a connection that no one else could understand. It was a feeling. We were so close. We enjoyed the same things: Food, music, fishing, hugs, laughs, long talks. I miss you. There isn't a day I don't think of you. There isn't a time when I don't want you back.

I see you in my mind all the time, but especially in my dreams—maybe it's a sign. I don't know. But whatever it is, I never want to wake up from it. It seems so real. In my dreams, I get to be with you again; I have those conversations that I loved so much. It makes the nightmare of the reality that you're gone seem like a miracle in my dreams when I see you. I've fallen out of denial but into a stage that, at times, seems hard to take. Some days I live like you want me to: happy. Then some days, I feel a wave of sadness and realization that hold me back from any kind of emotion. The end of depression struck me with such a tremendous feeling that knocks every emotion out of me. I don't feel anything; I become numb. I zone everything out because it's easier to deal with life at those moments that way. Being depressed and hurting is a struggle, but I know I will eventually be with you again one day, and that makes every day worth it.

My Last Stage: ?

I haven't quite gotten over the hump of my sadness yet. I don't know what's going to come next, so I'm just taking it step by step. This process is long and confusing and a journey that I sometimes think will never end. I've noticed that as days go by, the pain of losing you has never lessened but has just gotten easier to bear.

My Life Lesson through the Pain

I have learned that feeling the pain is better than not feeling anything at all. I am blessed to have had you, and I am blessed to be missing someone who made such an impact on my life. I'm not angry anymore because I came to the realization that you wouldn't want me to be.

So, to whoever is reading this, I promise it gets easier. I promise that whatever stage you are enduring right now if you stay strong, the realizations that you face will be so worth it. However you are feeling right now, feel it with all your heart. Feel it with everything you have because it's OK to grieve. It teaches you things about yourself you thought you'd never know.

I never knew how much I could miss someone until I've missed you. I've never known the pain of a heartache until I lost you. I'm now thankful for the pain because that just proves to me how much I can love someone—unconditionally. I loved the way you showed me love and always thought of me, and now I'm always thinking of you.

I love you, Pap.