Fear. Apprehension. Avoidance. Pain. Anxiety about what you said. Fear that you said something wrong. Worry about others' disapproval. Afraid of rejection, of not fitting in. Anxious to enter a conversation, afraid you'll have nothing to talk about. Not being able to go anywhere alone. Staying inside all day. Giving a presentation. Hating when the teacher asks you a question in class. Eye contact. Walking into a classroom full of students. Introducing yourself to people. Eating in front of people. Group projects. Paying for things at a shop. Asking for help. Bumping into someone you know. Keeping quiet in a conversation with three people. Always preparing what to say. Feeling embarrassed all the time.
I have struggled with social anxiety for as long as I can remember. From being an awkward middle schooler walking down the halls with my head down, to now being a 19-year-old college student, not much has changed. No matter where I seem to go in life, this overwhelming sense of anxiety continues to follow me. It has made it almost impossible for me to live my everyday life as a normal college kid. It is my biggest enemy, and my biggest difficulty in life.
Many of you may wonder ... what is social anxiety? Scientifically, social anxiety is "an anxiety disorder in which a person has an excessive and unreasonable fear of social situations," according to Web MD. Those with social anxiety have an intense fear of being judged or ridiculed, and often avoid social situations at all costs. Very few people understand the agonizing and traumatic depth of social anxiety disorder. In public places, people with social anxiety feel that everyone is staring at them (even though in reality they know this isn’t true). They cannot seem to relax or enjoy themselves in public. In fact, people with social anxiety can never relax when other people are around. It always feels like the people around them are evaluating them, or judging them in some way.
Many times it feels absolutely impossible to let go, unwind, and focus on anything except the anxiety. The anxiety is so painful it becomes easier just to stay away from social situations and other people altogether. Many times those with social anxiety just want to be alone. Even when they're around familiar people, a person with social anxiety may feel overwhelmed and have the feeling that others are noticing their every movement and critiquing their every thought.
Social anxiety feels as if you are trapped in a terrifying place where you are not allowed to be yourself. Trapped in a bubble of your own troubled thoughts telling you that you can't do it.
A sense of helplessness overcomes us every single day. Even simple, everyday interactions with people are absolutely terrifying to no end. We walk around in constant fear of being judged, humiliated or ridiculed. It feels as if our options in life are limited because we cannot engage in common, everyday activities. Most of all, we feel misunderstood by others. No one else understands what it feels like to live a life of constant fear. No one else understands what it's like to feel so much discomfort in social situations to the point where you are going to be physically sick. It feels as if were completely out of control of how we feel, act and think. When you want so badly to speak up and voice your opinion, it's like someone is choking you to stop you from talking. When you start to feel a little bit confident, the voice in the back of your head reminds you of how worthless you are. It is a vicious, never-ending cycle of hopelessness.
Living with social anxiety means that there are obstacles to overcome every single day. Every day presents a new challenge, and you can either decide to face the challenge or hide in fear from your life. One of the most difficult things for me personally is meeting new people. Meeting new people might be fun and exciting to others, but to me, it is an incredibly frightening and overwhelming situation that I wish to avoid at all costs.
When I first meet someone I am the complete opposite of myself — I am shy, quiet, and noticeably nervous. My body becomes tense, my face turns red and I begin to feel my heart race. I am noticeably uncomfortable and begin to lose my train of thought. I have trouble holding a conversation and looking people in the eyes.
As I shake hands with someone, anxious thoughts consume my mind — What do they think of me? Do they think I'm awkward? Do they notice my social anxiety? How do I get out of this conversation? I don't know what to say. This is so awkward. Why did I say that? I’m an idiot. What do I say now? Maybe if I just keep my head down and text they will go away. Ahh, get me out of here!
I want so badly to feel comfortable enough in my own skin to be able to relax and be myself, but this anxiety dictates my every move. It makes me feel completely overwhelmed and uncomfortable and tricks me into thinking that I’m not good enough.
I’m not me, it's my social anxiety ... I have found that one of the biggest struggles of living with social anxiety is that people automatically label me as a bitch when they first meet me. My social anxiety dictates how I act and it makes me come off as shy, rude and unapproachable. Because I’m not making conversation or I’m looking down at my phone, people assume that I’m standoffish or stuck up.
My social anxiety is not an accurate depiction of who I am as a person. I may seem quiet, but I really have a lot to say. In reality, I am a friendly, funny, compassionate and kind-hearted person. I have to work ten times as hard and be overly friendly when I meet people, just so they don’t think I’m a bitch. It's a daily struggle.
The phrase “do not be afraid” is written in the Bible 365 times — that is my daily reminder to live every day fearless. It is a reminder that if I face my fears, I will overcome them. You can’t always live in fear of what could happen. You need to live in the moment and take risks. Social anxiety has held me back from voicing my opinion, and truly being myself. There have been times when I can’t even go outside my room and face the world because it’s too scary.
Every day is a different challenge and I am still fighting through it. No matter what the future brings, I will continue to face my fears and persevere through this anxiety. I tell myself every day that I can do whatever I set my mind to and that the sky's the limit. I will not let my social anxiety define who I am.
What we need to all remember is that we are all in the same game, just on different levels. Before you label someone as a bitch, make sure you know them and what they might be going through. If someone seems rude or is acting short with you, maybe they have social anxiety or another social disorder. You never know what someone may be carrying around with them. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Be patient. Be gentle. Lend a helping hand to someone struggling. Don’t judge.
