Over the past few weeks, I have thought a lot about myself. Myself, in the sense that I need to start being a person who is more focused on my own interests and my own personal goals. I would not consider this conceited, but I would consider it selfish, in a good way. There comes a point where you come to the realization that you need to remove yourself from the drama and problems of other people, and I have come to that point where I finally understand this concept. It is good to take a step back and figure your own self out, because other peoples' thoughts of you and who you are or what you should be doing n the end do not matter if you are not happy with yourself.
The concept of being happy with myself didn’t come to mind until around November of 2017, in the sense that I felt like I was always doing things to put others before myself or doing things to make others proud of me. It felt like I was letting other people and their opinions rule the way I was going through life. This is not the way to live your life though; you should live your life by doing things you’re absolutely passionate about.
When you feel like you’re only doing something to make another person happy, you start to lose motivation and develop anxiety over whether you’ll do said thing to the ability that the person you’re doing it for will be pleased.
In my life, there are two big examples of times that I noticed I was putting others happiness before mine. The first has to do with playing viola. Viola is not a violin, and for those who may be asking what the difference is, a viola is bigger and also one-fifth deeper than a violin. The concept is still the same though, an instrument held under the chin and played in the same manner as the violin.
I have been playing viola for around eight years now, and in my last years of high school, reflecting in it now, I hadn’t enjoyed it as much as when I was first learning it. It felt like a task I had to do every week to add to a resume or college application. Part of this feeling, I think, was due to the pressure of auditioning for all-state orchestra, which was very stressful. Every year for all state, there was a piece of music selected to play that was always hard to learn in a short amount of time.
In high school, I had always loved the time of year when my teacher and I would move away from all-state music and focus on a piece that was just for fun. Whenever I learned a new piece just for fun, my teacher would make it feel like a relaxed environment to play in and the pressure was no longer on to learn a piece that was super difficult to learn in less than 6 months.
When I got to college, this is what playing the viola felt like. A relaxed environment, where I could play music just for the fun of learning a new piece. No longer did I have to focus on all-state, which I realize now put me in a place of constant stress. I have a rekindled love for the viola due to the feeling that I get to play, to make myself happy.
Another instance in my life where I felt like I was just doing something to make others happy was with school. Throughout high school, I felt there was a constant need to get good grades to make my parents happy and pressure to just take unnecessarily hard classes.
While I was there, I got okay grades they weren’t incredibly stellar but they were fairly decent, but overall my parents were happy with this because I had a good GPA. Reflecting on this, I realize that in most of my classes I wasn’t chasing the content but chasing the grade. I tried so hard to just memorize a bunch of material that I mostly forgot for the final and now.
This aspect of my life has changed drastically since I got to college as well. In my time at University of Rhode Island so far, I chase the content, not the grade, which benefits me because I end up getting the grade that I want. More importantly, though, I am making myself happy with the classes I’m taking and with my overall experience with learning. I have found out that learning can actually be fun and not some menial task, and I actually value my education now.
Being selfish is okay when you’re doing things that better yourself. It is completely okay to take a step back from something you’re not enjoying anymore and pick it up again when you feel like you’re ready to start enjoying it again, or just not doing something again if you feel as though it won’t make you happy. I am a firm believer in self-betterment, and when you’re doing things that you actually enjoy doing rather than things you think others expect you to do, you better yourself.
It is good to take a step back and ask yourself, “Why am I doing this?” and if the answer is not “To better my life,” or something along those lines, I suggest you take a break from it. Why do something you claim to enjoy if you really feel like you’re just doing a chore?
