Spring has sprung in Charlottesville. Birds are chirping, bees are buzzing (one buzzed into my room the other week and I totally panicked played it cool), and my allergies are more present than ever. Spring also means that woodland creatures have resumed frolicking around Grounds—I saw two bunnies this week and Snapchat wouldn’t zoom in enough I didn’t even try to take their picture!
Although bunnies may be the cutest residents of Mr. Jefferson’s University (unless you count all the dogs that practically live on the Lawn), squirrels are definitely the most ubiquitous. Squirrels have been living at UVA for so long, I often wonder what they think of us. Well, as luck would have it, I encountered a rather inquisitive squirrel outside the Anthropology building yesterday, and he and I discussed some questions he has about UVA culture. Below is our interview (he requested that his name simply be printed as "squirrel" for privacy reasons).
On clothing:
Squirrel: It's so hot outside, so why do you cover yourselves in fabric? If I could ditch my furry coat when the temperatures rise, I would.
On Starbucks:
Squirrel: Why do some students keep drinking liquid with a green creature on the label? I've seen an abundance of students drink brown liquid in cups with a green person on them. My only guess is that they're drinking mud in some form of pagan ritual since the cup features a green goddess and they sacrifice or make offerings of money before consuming it.
On a cappella:
Squirrel: Why do groups make weird noises in matching outfits? I've seen lots of students do this, and afterward members of the opposite sex hurl themselves at the performers—particularly those donning bow ties or weird capes—so perhaps it's some form of mating ritual.
On clothes again:
Squirrel: Why do you all wear the same outfit? While I'm wrong about human culture many times, I am certain that the polo shirt is a male requirement of the Honor Code. There might also be some sort of benefit given to girls who wear white sneakers and oversized t-shirts. Why else would practically every student wear the same thing?
On backpacks:
Squirrel: Why do you carry sacks filled with books? If you all have so much stuff to store, why don’t you just shove it all in your cheeks? Or at least store it all in a tree somewhere like civilized animals.
On food:
Squirrel: Does Roots sell acorns? I've never understood human food, but I keep hearing talk about Roots as the place to go, so I wonder if they sell acorns or tree bark too. Not to brag, but I think we squirrels actually started the whole natural foods trend.
At night on Rugby Road:
Squirrel: Why can no one walk in a straight line? Everyone walks around at night like fumbling idiots, staggering and grunting. My only guess is that this is the football team practicing since it looks similar to how I've seen the players act on the field in seasons past.
On Thomas Jefferson:
Squirrel: What is "TJ?" Everyone talks about "TJ" and I have no idea why. Perhaps it's a nickname for a pre-comm class or a fraternity.
